How many bears could Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Britain, we have reached peak entertainment.
There is in existence today a show that allows allegedly average people to test their survival skills by being fucked out into the middle of the Pacific Islands completely on their own for five weeks. It’s basically Cast Away but without Tom Hanks’ charm or sexual attraction to volleyballs.
But what can we learn from The Island With Bear Grylls, aside from the importance of drinking our own piss in an emergency situation? A hell of a lot, actually.
Here’s seven vital life lessons I’ve picked up from watching the show.
1. You can do anything you want when you put your mind to it, or if contractual obligations deem it necessary
Possibly my favourite part of TIWBG is the fact that the contestants film everything themselves. It’s either a genius idea or a very clever way to mask budget cuts, but either way, I’m here for it. Not only do the contestants have to try their hardest at not dying on a remote island, they also have to work out how to operate a set of beefy cameras. This is an incredibly brave move on the producers’ behalf, whereby they’re trusting the contestants, who all presumably have zero camera operation experience, to act as the crew and content providers. Imagine thinking you’d secured a whole day of filming for the show you’re taking part on, only to find out that you’d forgotten to press record, then you mysteriously fall off a cliff shortly after. Coincidence? No.
2. A good rule of thumb is to presume that nobody ever wants to see your bare feet, ever
Any time the islanders take off their boots and socks to reveal their blister-laden feet, they’re met with mass groaning coming from their fellow contestants, but also everyone that’s watching at home. Feet are repulsive. They’re scum. Nobody in the world has nice feet, not even the hottest models alive. Feet are just stubby hands and should be treated as such. Our hooves, on a good day, are not fit for public consumption. Seeing them after festering in a soggy boot devoid of any air or natural sunlight for days at a time is vomit-inducing. In life, never produce your feet unless you are at a chiropodist. That is the only acceptable circumstance.
3. Posh people are the absolute worst and should be avoided at all costs
On the latest series of The Island With Bear Grylls, the contestants are made up of two groups. One half earn over £100k a year, while the others have a salary lower than the UK national average. Basically, it’s poshos vs normal people. When the posh group initially reached the beach, they engaged in some unnecessary bickering, then were joined by the regular people and for some reason didn’t bother to lift their arses off the sand to welcome them. Later, one of the poshos said “When I saw them coming, I thought the Northern dole bus had broken down”. Basically, posh people are awful and should be avoided at all costs. Plus, their banter is excruciating and they have dumb names like Geoffrey and Chives.
4. Water is the GOAT, so don’t you dare take it for granted you greedy little scut
The islanders’ main priority is having access to clean drinking water, as it should be. They struggle to ration their resources and resist the urge to down precisely five litres of water every time they feel a slight thirst. It goes without saying that water is important, but watching the show whilst sipping on a soy decaf chai latte really puts things into perspective. We need to look after water, so that it can look after us. Not to get mad deep here, but I’d like to give water a special shout out here today. Thank you, water. You’re one of the good guys, especially after a night on the beer.
5. No matter where you go, there’s always a massive know-it-all hanging around
It could be a self-appointed wine expert down the off licence or a kettle timing perfectionist in the office kitchen, trust me, they’re everywhere. There’s always someone around that’s bursting to tell you that you’re doing something wrong. The poor islanders struggle to carry out basic tasks such as lighting a fire with no tools other than wood, stone, and Daddy issues, when Bear Grylls pops up with a pre-recorded piece to camera hammering home the vitality of being able to light a fire in a survival situation. Cheers Bear, wasn’t quite sure that they’d need fire and clean water to survive. Glad to see your career as a professional know-it-all is finally paying off, mate.
6. Left to our own devices for long enough, every single one of us will chat enough shit to fill two industrial sized toilet tanks
Given that they’ve got nothing aside from their own minds to keep themselves entertained, it’s only natural that the islanders end up talking absolute brown all the time. With topics including what bacteria they’d like to be turned into by an evil witch doctor, whether poo would taste bad if it was mixed into a meaty bolognese sauce and which Prime Minister they’d like to have sex with the least, it’s understandable to hear the kind of conversation that’s produced when you’ve been lumped on a deserted island with complete strangers. Similarly, if the WiFi goes down in work, sometimes I’ll ask my colleagues “Hey, is your WiFi down too?”, which is a harrowing experience for all involved.
7. The longer you spend with idiots, the more you begin to understand the concept of murder
Before I get reported, I need to stress that I’m not condoning murder, I’m just saying that you become more open to the concept of it. Have you ever sat next to someone on a bus that breathes too loudly and takes up more than their fair share of the allocated seat space? Sure, it’s fine at the start of the journey, you’re annoyed but can distract yourself with a decent Spotify playlist or a deep thought process about why Lou Bega hasn’t made Mambo Number 6 yet. But twenty minutes in, it’s a different story. You reach a point where murder becomes a slightly more reasonable idea than you had previously thought. That’s what happens to the islanders, except all it takes is a sleepless night for each of them to contemplate going on a killing spree. Life is hard and arseholes make it harder. Still, don’t go killing people. Just aggressively journal about it every evening instead.
Images via Channel 4
