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12th Dec 2018

18 things you’re guaranteed to hear during interview week on The Apprentice

Let's! Play! Bingo!

Ciara Knight

We contacted the university and they have no record of you ever attending there. They also said your LinkedIn profile picture is ugly

Finally, praise the lord. It’s interview week on The Apprentice and it can’t have come quickly enough.

Tonight, the final five take on Lord Sugar’s trusty group of snitches as they tackle the job interviews from hell.

Camilla, Daniel, Sian, Sabrina and Khadija are going to be willingly annihilated on television and if nothing else, we must praise them for their valour.

As with every year, there’s a finite number of questions, answers and bitchy comments that are going to be made through the course of these uncomfortable interviews.

Here’s 18 things you’re guaranteed to hear during The Apprentice tonight.

1. We contacted the university and they have no record of you ever attending there. They also said your LinkedIn profile picture is ugly.

2. Your business plan is littered with typos. Are you legally registered as a moron or is this something you’ve only recently developed?

3. I’m not in this process to make friends. I’m here to make memories that will last a lifetime, and money. Also if I could find a lover that would also be tight.

4. I fully believe that I have what it takes to become Lord Sugar’s next business partner. That’s why I’ve gotten this sick tattoo of us both doing a high five on board a yacht.

5. Why would Lord Sugar want to go into business with someone that can’t use a stapler correctly? These pages are more loose than a divorcée’s birthday party.

6. Much like the second half of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, your CV is far too long.

7. You’ve done very well to reach the final five. Can you explain how you’ve managed to do that when you are very clearly a halfwit?

8. It says here that you’re good at sales, but if I’m being honest, the only thing you’re selling here today is a competitor’s aftershave over the one you’ve doused yourself in. BURN. Apply aloe vera immediately.

9. What will you do if you aren’t successful in winning this competition? Especially now that the idiot factory has announced that it’s no longer accepting any more applications?

10. I see myself as a young Lord Sugar. I’m going to follow in his footsteps and one day be the host of a reality television show with a declining viewership, just like he is.

11. Your former employer said you were really bad at your job and that reheated fish in the microwave every day. Not a question, just a statement really. Also, you are scum.

12. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? Because if it’s anywhere other than on some sort of official idiot register, you are severely misguided.

13. You describe yourself as ‘The Apprentice candidate who’s going to make Lord Sugar a lot of money’, so which bank are you planning to rob to make that happen?

14. Just a quick personal question, if you don’t mind me asking. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR GODDAMN MIND WITH THIS SHITSHOW OF A BUSINESS PLAN? HAVE YOU?

15. Between all your business endeavours, how do you find enough spare time to be such an insufferable arsehole who’s also impossible to work with? I’m curious.

16. You were involved in a lot of arguments during the tasks. Is that because you’re a nightmare or is everyone else wrong? Or, third option, do you want to just leave right now? Great. Thanks.

17. I will work harder for Lord Sugar than I have ever done before. I will die for Lord Sugar. Right now, on the spot. I will die for him. I am ready to die. Pass me the envelope opener.

18. I eat, sleep, drink and eat business. Business runs through my veins. My sexuality is business. If business was standing in front of me right now, I would fuck it to completion.



Lead image via BBC