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19th Nov 2018

11 things we learned from the first episode of I’m A Celeb 2018

Harry Redknapp's contactless was acting up when they went to the drive thru

Ciara Knight

– In partnership with Lottoland –

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It’s back! I’m A Celeb 2018 has kicked off and finally life is worth living once again.

Last night saw the celebrities landing in the jungle after a series of tasks that thoroughly exhausted their fragile little famous bodies.

It was one of the better inaugural episodes we’ve seen, mostly because the celebrities all seemed to have a vague idea of who each other actually were.

In case you missed it, or spent the entire time with your head buried in your phone, here’s 11 important* things we learned from last night’s show.

*may not actually be important.

1. John Barrowman can defy gravity by flossing on a speedboat traveling at very high speed

Flossing can be done anywhere. The bathroom, the car, the West End, the dentist’s, even on board a private boat beside a sailor who would rather be literally anywhere else at the time. John Barrowman (MBE) burst onto the scene as the first I’m A Celeb contestant last night and wasted no time in reminding the nation that he is indeed very hip, cool, trendy and youthful because he knows how to floss and can even navigate the tricky dance move at sea.

2. Harry Redknapp’s biggest concern going into the jungle was wondering who was going to wash his pants

“Who’s gonna wash my pants?”, Harry queried during his pre-jungle interview, which felt like a legitimate question that he was asking the production staff as opposed to a quirky bit of content for the viewers. The man admitted that his wife does everything, which will undoubtedly be proven to be true throughout the course of the series as we watch him struggle to carry out such rudimentary tasks as cooking, bathing himself and remembering not to run over his wife with his car.

3. Within minutes of meeting each other, Nick, Fleur, Anne and Harry already looked like The Avengers

They’re a group of superheroes that have come together to fight for good. Their special skills lie in DIY, singing, knowing stuff and managing football teams, so this is likely to be a pretty weak group of avengers, but avengers nonetheless. You might notice that they’re not wearing superhero costumes, but that’s simply because they’re invisible. Also, they don’t really plan on doing much as a unit as they’ve been split up. Still, stick The Avengers logo on that picture and you’ve got a 22% rated Rotten Tomatoes movie on your hands. Joss Whedon is shook.

4. Upon meeting Emily for the first time, Malique let her know that he had just done 2 (two) nervous poos

Credit where it’s due, Malique had a baller way of breaking the ice with Charlotte Hinchcliffe in what was quite clearly a stunning impression of Will from The Inbetweeners. Rather than letting her know who he is and what he’s famous for, Malique instead opted to tell her that he was nervous about being on I’m A Celeb, then hammering the point home in excruciating detail via an update of his bowel movements. The Hollyoaks actor is a breath of fresh air in the jungle, unfortunately the same cannot be said about the hotel room toilet that he left behind.

5. On their way to the jungle, both teams stopped for a quick takeaway to keep their energy levels up

Just kidding, they had to do a trial, but it really looks like Anne and Harry are trying to get their contactless to work at the drive thru. Let’s pretend they all took a detour in their cute little jeeps on the way to the jungle, nipping into McDonalds for one final double cheese burger and some chips to share. Sitting up front are the parents, the kids in the back are screaming for Happy Meals which have been denied due to the outrageous expense they entail along with having very little nutritional value. Once everyone was fed, they set off to the jungle.

6. Harry was eyeing up John Barrowman’s athleticism without even realising he was doing it

While Nick was taking part in the second part of the challenge, John took it upon himself to go deep sea diving in the back of the car to retrieve a fallen object. Harry Redknapp, unbeknownst to himself, was eyeing up John’s form. He’s always on the lookout for fit players, ones that can go hard on defence and even harder on the offence. It was purely instinct. Play your cards right, Barrowman, and you could find yourself with a very decent offer on the table once you leave the jungle, subject to a physical assessment.

7. The narrative of the game really screwed the impact of Emily’s arrival

AHAHAHA YOU BIG LOSERS! Fucking sad cases, you have to have Emily Atack on your team now. Ugh, disgusting. Your punishment for having been marginally slower than the other team is that you must now welcome a girl who was on The Inbetweeners into your camp. Hard luck, folks. What a turn up for the books. Rather than winning and getting a Hollyoaks actor, you have to take the one from an award-winning comedy series. Vile. Disgusting. Vulgar. Anyway, best of luck.

8. Malique snuck in an impromptu Home Alone audition before he went skydiving

Because I’m A Celeb is a wonderfully savage show, the arrival of Malique and Emily involved being thrown out of a helicopter at 11,000 feet. Naturally, both were quite nervous about the whole thing, but Malique somehow found the courage to bash out a quick Home Alone audition for the reboot which is no doubt going to be announced in due course. He went for the scene where Kevin learns that he has, indeed, been left home alone. Props to Malique, he nailed it and is in with a very strong chance of landing the gig after his performance.

9. John Barrowman got Jack Dawson’ed

The final task for the campmates involved retrieving their camping gear from a tiny island in the middle of the ocean. They all bundled into the tiny raft, except John Barrowman, who got shafted. He was Jack Dawson’ed and left to drown. Clearly, Harry and Malique could’ve scooted forward a bit so that he could fit on board, but they refused and left him for dead. Ever the survivor, Barrowman clutched to the back of the boat and kicked his legs to propel it along. Even after they left him to die, he stuck around to help. Our king of the jungle has emerged already.

10. Throughout the task, Holly and Dec looked like worried parents at school sports day when someone falls over and doesn’t get up for ages

In a way, they are the celebrities’ parents for the next couple of weeks. They’ve got to keep them alive and pray that they do some good in the world when they eventually flee the nest. It’s a huge pressure to carry the weight of, but also they’re getting paid tonnes of cash to do it and staying in a luxury hotel the entire time. Perhaps the worry seen above is merely an act. They don’t really care, they’ve got bigger things to worry about, such as whether to have fruit salad or a full English for breakfast.

11. Harry Redknapp legitimately thought his first meal on I’m A Celeb would be from “a caravan round the back”

Upon learning that they would be eating literal emu for dinner, Harry Redknapp couldn’t contain his confusion. “I thought there was a caravan round the back here where they’d be doing bacon sandwiches”, he said John Barrowman, explaining that he presumed there’d be a time out where everyone got fed and watered to their satisfaction, then resumed filming. Clearly, the man has never watched I’m A Celeb before, which is going to make for exceptional television. He wasn’t even on the losing team, they only got rice and beans. Man was knee-deep in luxury and still complaining. What a champ.

Images via ITV