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12th October 2017
02:48pm BST
The morning montage scene is always a goldmine for meme-worthy content. Last night's winner in that department was Jeff Wan, a man whose name has to be delivered in its entirety each time you say it because I said so. Jeff Wan arose from his pubescent bunk bed in a long sleeved black top and the tightest pair of grey panties I've certainly ever seen. He winced down the stairs to ready himself for the day, providing us with the money shot of all money shots as seen above. Jeff Wan, what a man.
2. Ross revealed that he still eats Pop-Tarts even though he's 29-years-old (as if that's a bad thing??)
In an endearing piece to camera, we heard that Ross is 29 and still eats Pop-Tarts. I have two questions: 1) What's wrong with eating Pop-Tarts at 29? 2) Why did he deem that quirky enough to say on national television? Ross is deeply out of touch with the average 29-year-old. I'm not quite there yet, but I can't imagine my taste for pre-baked toaster pastries drastically changing in the next couple of years. Pop-Tarts are delicious, Ross, and they won't be tarnished by your sneering attitude towards consuming them in your late twenties.
3. Sarah-Jayne tried to be like Jim from The Office by looking straight into the camera in frustration and it was uncomfortable for all involved
With all credit to Sarah-Jayne, Elizabeth was being a massive Dwight about the task, but I still can't condone what I saw. It's uncomfortable to see the candidates playing up to the cameras outside of the boardroom, especially when they try to mimic The U.S. Office's most beloved character. As a viewer, it was already apparent that Elizabeth was being a massive pain. The situation did not necessitate a look to camera to further emphasise her annoyance. You're on The Apprentice, Sarah Jayne, stick to telling people that you're 'not here to make friends' and that you 'live, eat, breathe and sleep business'.
4. Ross described this freehand wallpaper design as 'perfect' and said they had 'thought it through nicely'
They'd spent a generous portion of their allotted time with the graphic designer fannying around over which London landmarks to put on the wallpaper of a hotel room in London, so with two minutes to spare, Ross asked her to draw them freehand. What resulted was a manky briefcase larger than London Bridge and the edge of what appears to be the London Eye if it was drawn by a toddler using their less dominant hand in the back of a car that was traveling on a road that consisted solely of speed bumps. If this is Ross' definition of perfect, I dread to think what he considers to be shite.
5. Michaela described this wallpaper artwork, which is literally just a zoomed-in golfball, as 'dead arty'
Following on from Ross' poor definition of 'perfect', it transpired that another Apprentice candidate also struggles with the English language. As you can see on the back wall pictured above, it has been papered with an up-close golfball consisting of a tinge of green and some geometric shapes added in for good measure. According to Michaela, it is "dead arty". I'd imagine if she ever visited The Louvre, it would blow her precious little mind. Michaela reportedly described a piece of chewing gum on the ground as 'dead abstract' and this article as 'dead journalism'. Fair, tbh.
6. Rather than simply watching back the footage recorded, Lord Sugar viewed the rooms via a series of printed photographs
The year is 2017, you can film an entire movie and edit it on your damn smartphone if you want to. This begs the question as to WHY Lord Sugar saw these abysmal hotel rooms through what appears to be the fruits of a disposable camera's day out. Couldn't he have popped in to see the rooms himself? Watched back the abundance of footage filmed on site? Or even looked at the stingy photographs digitally on an iPad or something? For a show that usually looks very slick and professional, this is garbage and I'm upset about it.
7. For his 'British' mood board, Sajan attached what appears to be a hard boiled sweet
Mood boards in general are an absolute LOL and for as long as I live, I will never understand them. But Sajan's one is particularly hysterical. His vision for the hotel room involved several poorly cut out pieces of fabric, a few photographs (one of which is of a tennis ball), some buttons and what I am almost certain is a hard boiled sweet. In my house, we call them 'sucky sweets', which is a great term for this entire mood board to be honest. Sajan was deeply proud of his contribution to the task, which both starts and ends with the above monstrosity.
8. Lord Sugar revealed that he can't pronounce the word 'caricatures'
After the girls came close to destroying their voice boxes from yelping at their delight in winning the task, Lord Sugar informed them that they would be getting some caricatures done as part of their reward. At least that was his intention, except Lord Sugar, one of the most respected business magnates in the world, said 'caricktatures'. The man cannot pronounce 'caricatures'. Perhaps it was a slip of the tongue on this one occasion, but I'd prefer to live with the knowledge that he can't say 'caricature' properly. Haha, what an idiot with a net worth of £1 billion.
9. Joanna was completely oblivious to the unflattering caricature that was being drawn, despite her best efforts to look nice
Michaela probably described it as 'dead arty', while Lord Sugar would've again called it a 'caricktature'. Either way, Joanna was absolutely shafted by that artist. She volunteered to go first on what was supposed to be the girls' reward for winning the task, and was rightly stitched up by being gifted an eternal complex about the way she looks. Caricatures are more harmful than the hole in the ozone layer because you can actually see them and they hurt you instantly, and then also for the rest of your life. Joanna didn't deserve this unkindness. No one did.
10. Jeff Wan's parting were that he would be hosting The Apprentice in 20 years because he's 'damn that successful'
The fired candidate's drive home is always a goldmine for cringe and Jeff Wan with his little grey tight panties delivered precisely as expected. Jeff Wan told us that Lord Sugar had made a big mistake because he, Jeff Wan, would be taking his place on The Apprentice in twenty years time. This is funny for three reasons. 1) Jeff Wan measures his success by his likelihood to be a television personality, 2) Jeff Wan believes that The Apprentice will still be in production in two decades time and 3) he said 'damn that successful' instead of 'that damn successful'. God bless you Jeff Wan for your contribution to the show. You will not be forgotten.
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