The Mood Swinger
Some Gooners change direction quicker than Alexis Sánchez. When the club are winning, they’ll be the first to give it large and herald a new era of Arsenal domination. A run of good results is tantamount to winning the league and Aaron Ramsey is the best midfielder in the world.
But as soon as a single point is dropped, all hope is lost. Ramsey’s suddenly a useless “f*!$%&”, and Arsene Wenger simply has to go. After all, it’s not like he’s ever done anything for the club…
The Wenger-Knows-Best
Draped from headphones-to-toe in Arsenal merch, this group are the very antithesis of the flip-flopper.
The slightest criticism of anyone related to ‘the Arsenal’ – even by fellow Gooners – is a personal insult, and they’ll go after you like a swarm of polyester-clad bees.
The only thing they love more than Wenger is polls. Sky Sports, Match of the Day, Rear of the Year…you name it, an Arsenal player has to win it.
And woe betide anyone who dares criticise Saint Jack of Wilshere – they will literally stab you in the eye if you so much as question his holiday habits.
The JVC Hipster
You know the type; they turn up to games in their retro Michael Thomas top (two sizes too small of course) and wax lyrical about their vivid memories of May 26, 1989 – when they were three years old.
They love to explain the subtle aspects of Mesut Ozil’s game that their fellow fans simply don’t appreciate. And they adore Alexis Sanchez, but more so when he was playing for Udinese (“why can’t Wenger use him properly?”).
Now the Chilean is a far too obvious pin-up – it’s all about Francis Coquelin and the work you don’t see him doing. Twitter avatar is John Jensen or Igor Stepanovs because, ya know, obscure and ironic.
The Johnny-come-Latte
They love the footie do the Johnny-come-Lattes. There’s nothing they enjoy more than rocking up at the Emirates , enjoying the lavish Club Level hospitality, maybe catching a bit of the game in their padded seats, before getting up well before half-time to schmooze with bored ex-pros over drinky-poos.
They’re fully paid-up members of the new football fraternity, and shudder at the merest reference to pre-Nick Hornby Arsenal. The very thought of huddling shoulder-to-shoulder with the great unwashed at Highbury gives them palpitations. Arsenal is all about comfort for them – and something to talk to the plumber about.
The Neurotic trembler
This Arsenal fan has seen things, things that you wouldn’t understand – because you weren’t there man. They are scared by years of growing optimism following by inevitable crushing disappointment. You’ll have to excuse them for not getting too excited about anything, because Arsenal have broken them.
Their support of Arsenal isn’t fun, it’s not a choice; instead it’s a cruel and tortured burden. Oh Sanchez is playing well is he? Well he’ll only get injured. Arsenal are favourites to sign someone? He’s going to Chelsea. Their cup isn’t half empty, it was smashed against the wall the day Eduardo broke his leg.
