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06th Jul 2017

JOE’s Transfer Digest – Sanchez talks with Atom and Humber lead to demand of free dog food for life

Arsenal staff have reportedly grown worried over the influence of Atom and Humber on Alexis Sanchez

Wayne Farry

Welcome to JOE’s Transfer Digest, otherwise known as the intersection between your mind and football rumours.

While the vast majority of transfers remain in the early stages this summer, the skilled and competent men and women of the football world work tirelessly to ensure speculation is always hot and fresh.

Sanchez shocks Arsenal with new demand

Arsenal attacker Alexis Sanchez has shocked the club today after demanding free dog food for life as part of any new contract he signs with the club.

The fresh demands are said to have blindsided the club, with sources suggesting that they are the result of talks between the Chile international and his two advisors and dogs, Atom and Humber.

Speaking today, an unnamed source at the club said that while no decision has yet been made, the demand is evidence of the increasing influence of the two canines in all aspects of the former Barcelona man’s career.

“These boys are good dogs, certainly, but we at the club are concerned about the sway they hold over Alexis. We were fine with them demanding tennis balls in his first contract, and we relented when his most recent extension contained a sub-section about belly rubs, but this seems a step too far,” said the source, adding that the dogs’ interference in Sanchez’ affairs could be detrimental to his career.

“He needs to start listening to voices of reason, but whenever he disagrees with them they just give him the puppy dog eyes and he gives in. In the end it always comes down to food, toys and belly rubs; none of which are going to help Alexis succeed.”

When pressed for comment, Atom and Humber licked our faces before getting distracted and eventually fighting each other over a dirty sock.

Pepe excited to start kicking people and diving in whole new surroundings

Former Real Madrid defender Pepe was confirmed as a Besiktas player this week and the Portuguese defender has revealed that he is excited to get to work and start standing on necks and faces in new surroundings.

The ex-Porto man signed with the Turkish giants after his contract at the Bernabeu expired and, though he had offers from elsewhere in Spain, he admitted the allure of playing violently in a brand new country excited him.

“I will never forget my great moments in Madrid. Standing on faces, elbowing people, kicking players around the place; it was beautiful. But now is the time for me to make new memories of kicking the crap out of people and diving all over the place. I feel Turkey is the perfect place to do just that,” he said.

Coentrao reminds everyone he was still at Madrid by leaving Madrid

Pepe’s former teammates and compatriot Fabio Coentrao sent shock waves through the world of football yesterday when his departure from Real Madrid suddenly reminded everyone that he still played for the La Liga winners.

Many football fans had believed the former Benfica man had either retired or simply fallen off the face of the earth in recent years, and were shocked to not only see that he still exists, but that he had been under contract at the Bernabeu for a number of years.

“I was really taken aback when I heard about his move to Sporting on Twitter,” said one football fan. “It had been so long since I’d seen him I began wondering if I had made him up in my own. But there he was. Good for him, I guess.”