10 things that will definitely happen if James Rodríguez goes to Everton
It's payback time.
It's been fifteen long years since Everton sold a world-class midfield playmaker to Real Madrid, and now it's finally time for the Spanish champions to repay the favour. Of course, no one wants to be lumbered with the 'new Thomas Gravesen' tag - who could possibly live up to such exalted billing? - but James Rodríguez would be a startling capture for Toffees' boss Carlo Ancelotti, as his Goodison Park revolution slips up into fourth gear.
But how will James settle into his new surroundings? What kind of reception will he receive? Let's examine our crystal balls to find out...
- During his first training session at the club, Rodríguez will sidle over to Richarlison and observe that one of their extremely pacy young teammates could have a future in the game if he improves his decision-making, develops an end product and stops just running in straight lines. It will transpire that the young teammate is 31-year-old Theo Walcott.
- Paul Merson will rave about the player after a Man-of-the-Match display and liken him to Leon Osman.
- During a wet, cold, miserable night in January, with Everton playing lower-league opposition in an FA Cup tie, the camera will pan to a rested Rodríguez on the bench, wearing an oversized Hummel overcoat with his hood up. The commentator will wryly state "San Andrés it ain’t..." Jermaine Jenas will mistake this for a GTA reference.
- If he plays well, Everton will be described as a one-man-team; if he plays badly he'll be described as a 'glorified Darron Gibson' who has succumbed to the 'Everton curse'.
- There will be a Twitter storm over the festive period as an Instagram post reveals that James and family are enjoying their first Christmas on Merseyside pulling RED crackers. The player's PR machine will immediately click into gear to control the narrative and the original post will be deleted and replaced with a confused looking Rodríguez wearing a blue Santa hat whilst stuffing his gaping turkey with molten toffee.
- Despite failing to entirely convince the Everton faithful that he is worth anything near the €30m they forked out for him in 2018, Yerry Mina will become that most prevalent of myths in modern football - the player it is worth paying a huge monthly wage to, purely because he keeps a far more talented teammate 'happy'. Mina will get wind of this and man-mark James at every social function so as to remain part of Ancelotti's plans.
- MandM Direct will do a roaring trade in two-year old Colombia shirts for £8.99 (down from £69.99). Diehard fans who had previously bought the Colombia shirt for £8.99 (down from £69.99) due to their long-held pasión for Los Cafeteros will be raging that all these Johnny-come-lately's have jumped on the Tricolor bandwagon. They'll cry into their maté gourds and console themselves by writing a blog on how Freddy Rincón was the template for the modern midfielder.
- DIRECTV will send a camera crew all the way from Colombia to cover the eruption of 'Jamesmania' across Merseyside. They'll crowbar in as many Beatles references as possible, enjoy local delicacy 'el Steak Bake', and report back that Liverpool's regional anthem is a delightful ditty entitled 'Maggie está en el barro'.
- People will be shocked to discover that he's actually a world-class footballer, and rival fans who had previously turned their noses up at him as a 'luxury player' who 'Real Madrid were desperate to flog' will suddenly change their tune and claim they always wanted to sign him.
- Lots of people on the internet will make really hilarious and original jokes about cocaine, Pablo Escobar and how Merseyside is more dangerous than Medellín.