James Milner has joined Twitter and his first tweet is absolutely perfect 2 years ago

James Milner has joined Twitter and his first tweet is absolutely perfect

He only follows four people and it perfectly sums up his personality.

'Boring' James Milner has joined Twitter. 'Boring' James Milner has posted, to date, a single tweet. 'Boring' James Milner has completed Twitter.

Here are some James Milner facts:

  • He can run forever.
  • He has been playing football since he was minus 8 and a half months old.
  • His diet consists of ox meat and lava and only ox meat and lava.
  • He can charge his iPhone by plugging the cable into his ear.

Here are some actual James Milner facts, now he has joined Twitter: He doesn't have a bio. His header photo is of him playing football. His avi is also him playing football. Both photos showcase that famous granite jaw, dimple in his chin like he is Yorkshire's answer to Clark Kent, and that haircut that has never, ever changed, at all, in almost 20 years. His hair either doesn't actually grow, or he gets a haircut every single day. Maybe twice a day. My money is on the latter.

He only follows four people, Liverpool FC, his own charity, Jordan Henderson (who is far more boring an individual, imho) and Adam Lallana. That tells you all you need to know about James Milner.

James Milner is a British cultural phenomenon, like planning a barbecue months in advance only to have it piss it down with rain, meaning you have to herd everyone into an overly populated conservatory like cattle and spend the afternoon drinking cans and eating undercooked sausages and pretending to be anything other than utterly miserable.

He must be protected, and appreciated, at all costs. But above all, he must be celebrated.

Here's my favourite James Milner goal, for no reason at all other than it is a serious, serious ping.

Here's James Milner opening Christmas presents, again, no reason at all other than it is very amusing.

Give him the armband. Get. Him. On. That. Plane. To. Russia.