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28th Jun 2019

Everything that has happened over the course of David Moyes’ Man Utd contract

Kyle Picknell

On July 1st 2013, David Moyes’ six-year contract with Manchester United began

We are now, incredibly, six years on. What has changed? Well, everything, really.

Moyes has been fired by United, awarded £5 million in compensation; hired by Real Sociedad, fired by Real Sociedad; hired as Sunderland manager, resigned from Sunderland following the first relegation of his career and hired as West Ham manager. Before then leaving West Ham.

But here are the other things. The non-David Moyes related things. Both within football and outside of it.

Wolverhampton Wanderers have gone from League One to seventh place in the Premier League

Do you remember a Wolverhampton Wanderers side starring Bakary Sako, Leigh Griffiths and Nouha Dicko absolutely, well, dicking League One in the 13/14 season led by Kenny Jackett? They were promoted with four games to spare, amassed a record points haul for the third tier – a ridiculous total of 103 – and were only beaten five times in the league that season.

Only Matt Doherty remains in the current squad in the Premier League.

Liverpool’s defence has gone from an absolute shitshow to one of the best in Europe

On November 2 2013, Liverpool played Arsenal away at the Emirates and fielded the following back five and goalkeeper: Simon Mignolet, Jon Flanagan, Kolo Toure, Mamadou Sakho, Martin Skrtel, Aly Cissokho. Jon Flanagan was subbed off for wing-back extraordinaire Victor Moses in the 68th minute.

Even better, Aly Cissokho was removed for Philippe Coutinho after halftime. Liverpool lost 2-0. How things have changed.

Chris Smalling and Phil Jones have amassed almost 400 appearances for Manchester United

I don’t really have anything to add to this one as it’s actually just quite sad. They’ve made 389 appearances between them in all competitions, 151 for Jones and 238 for Smalling. If that’s not entering ‘club legend’ status then I don’t know what is.

Patrick Bamford has moved clubs eight times

Milton Keynes Dons (loan) -> Derby County (loan) -> Middlesbrough (loan) -> Crystal Palace (loan) -> Norwich City (loan) -> Middlesbrough -> Leeds United. One day you will find a permanent home, Patrick. One day.

Paris Saint-Germain have spent roughly £800 million on transfers…

Manchester City have spent around £925 million…

… and Manchester United have spent about £820 million themselves. Ouch.

Parma have finished sixth in Serie A, been declared bankrupt and then earned promotion from Serie D, the Lega Pro and Serie B back into Serie A

And now they have Gervinho banging in the goals for them. Like a phoenix from the ashes.

Jack Clarke was 13 years old

And he has now joined Tottenham Hotspur for £10 million, their first signing since January 2018.

Maurizio Sarri has smoked 131,400 cigarettes

By his own admission, Maurizio Sarri claims he smokes 60 cigarettes a day. Since Moyes’ Manchester United contract started, that’s six years worth, so 131,400 cigarettes in total.

How is the man still breathing? He’s a medical marvel.

Sunderland have had 10 different managers, been relegated twice, lost three cup finals and filmed the saddest football Netflix series imaginable

The managers: Paolo Di Canio, Kevin Ball (caretaker), Guy Poyet, Dick Advocaat, Sam Allardyce, David Moyes, Simon Grayson, Robbie Stockdale (caretaker), Chris Coleman, Robbie Stockdale (again) and Jack Ross.

The finals: versus Manchester City in the 2014 League Cup Final (3-1), versus Portsmouth in the 2019 EFL Cup (2-2, lost on penalties) and versus Charlton Athletic in the 2019 League One Play-Off Final (lost 2-1, 94th-minute winner).

The series: You’ve watched Sunderland Til I Die. You don’t need me to tell you what it is.

There have been four royal babies

Prince George, Princess Charlotte, Prince Louis were born to William and Kate Middleton whilst Prince Archie was born to Harry and Meghan. I have nothing else to add about the royal babies.

The judge of The Apprentice went from, well, judging The Apprentice to becoming the 45th President of the United States

Just imagine Alan Sugar in 10 Downing Street. Imagine.

Netflix’s global audience has increased by over 100 million

In 2013, 39 million people worldwide were paying subscribers to Netflix. Now it’s 149 million.

Game of Thrones went from this as the head of the Stark family:

Pre-The Red Wedding, of course.

To this:

Fucking Bran.

And finally, since Moyes’ United contract started, David Cameron has been re-elected as prime minister, called a Brexit referendum, lost a Brexit referendum, resigned as prime minister, been replaced by Theresa May, who has also resigned.

And nobody still has a fucking clue what is going on with Brexit. What a world. What a world.