Football Manager 2019 – Evil José Part 2: Shithousing Rivals

Is it art imitating life or life imitating art? It was difficult to tell after Manchester United’s victory against Juventus during the week, which saw Normal José Mourinho throw on Marouane Fellaini late and to great effect to shithouse his way to very, very fortunate 2-1 victory. If that wasn’t enough, he then proceeded to goad the entire Juventus support into a rage by cupping his ear and making a weird face. It was pure, unadulterated Evil José. Are fiction and reality starting to blur? Only time will tell. For us, however, the journey continues. If you don’t know what’s going on you can read Part 1 here, but it should be obvious anyway. I haven’t actually played the game since the defining victory against Shithouse (Cardiff) City and was reasonably pleased to find that the next few fixtures all seemed winnable. And then I spotted a run of games after that, including Chelsea, Liverpool and the derby against Manchester City. It seems unlikely that Evil José will still be in the job by then, but we must plough forward in hope more than anything. Wolverhampton (a) For the away trip to Wolves Evil José notices that Ashley Young is fully fit so decides to drop his star player, Eden “Right Wing-Back” Hazard. Wolves, meanwhile, opt for one of the most disgusting formations I have ever seen in the game, playing a 5-4-1 with two defensive midfielders. Evil José makes a mental note to try it.

Luke Shaw injures himself ‘trying to sprint’ within 5 minutes, so Evil José is forced to consult his bench. Hazard comes on to take his place whilst Ashley Young shifts across to play down the left. The first-half comes and goes with absolutely nothing of note happening other than the Adama Traore continuing to sprint with the ball down the right to either: a) smash a cross out of play or, b) just dribble it out of play by himself. Fellaini hits the post with a header because that's what he always does. In the second half United take the lead after perpetual heel-snapper Ander Herrera arriving to head home a Hazard cross. Rinse and repeat for the second, with Salomon Kalou proving himself an instant United hero (despite what the fans think) with his second goal in two games. Again, it all came through Hazard down the right.

To see out the game Evil Jose copies the Wolverhampton 5-4-1, pulls a strange face and cups his ear to the thick yam-yam sound of the Molineux. That is, of course, before Eden Hazard pulls up in the 89^thminute with a calf problem and Evil José feels fear for perhaps the very first time.

After the game, United briefly move into a lofty second place. There is little reaction to Hazard’s injury, with the virtual Twitter users trapped inside Football Manager’s dystopian universe seemingly more concerned by Luke Shaw’s coming absence from the team. Both he and Hazard are out for few weeks. Only the fantastically named Klevis Bytyqi and Antonio Joseph offer any real levelheadedness by stating, respectively: “Ah no, that’s not good.” And “Well, what can you do?” respectively. Scarlett Larmond, meanwhile, professes to clairvoyance, claiming that she saw the injury coming a mile off, whilst Zack Nelson, the game’s most realistic interpretation of reactionary football Twitter, says: “What an absolute shambles this club is.” Because Luke Shaw got injured. ??? Elsewhere, rivals Man City secure their first win of the season thanks to a hattrick from Vincent Kompany. ???????

Without Hazard in the team, United slump to a 3-1 defeat at home to Bournemouth. Salomon Kalou scores again, which is pleasing for Evil José, but it isn’t enough thanks to Charlie Daniels cutting in on a right foot he doesn’t actually possess and smashing one into the top corner, before Bournemouth get the softest of deflected goals after a stray shot flies in by way of Chris Smalling’s arse. Despite Juan Mata actually making slide tackles and Lee Cattermole even occasionally passing to his own team, the Red Devils fail to score, mostly due to Ashley Young's crossing resembling that of a very dizzy blind man. After the game assistant manager Ricardo Carvalho suggests Cattermole should be dropped for Paul Pogba.

 Lokomotiv Moscow (a) Keen to keep things fresh for United’s first Champions League fixture against Lokomotiv Moscow, Evil José partners Marcus Rashford with Peter Crouch up front. The match ends in a 1-1 draw due to the eternal Jefferson Farfan blazing a penalty over. Lee C(l)attermole is sent off for persistent fouling. Such is life.

It is Southampton away up next, and due to Evil Jose’s concern for the dual threat of the non-goalscoring striker extraordinaire Shane Long and other, non-goalscoring striker extraordinaire, Manolo Gabbiadini, he opts for the ultra-defensive, more parking the bus depot than a singular bus, 5-4-1 formation he noticed that Wolves used.

The day after Fred is complaining about game time. Evil José tells him that Lee Cattermole is simply playing too well to drop. Fred does not agree.

Even the media persist in the Lee Cattermole witch hunt, asking in every press conference why has failed to live up to expectations. Evil José thinks Lee Cattermole has lived exactly up to expectations. He has been a royal and unapologetic shithouse. What else were they expecting? He defends him in the conference, and Lee Cattermole is pleased with Evil José’s comments.

Evil José did consider throwing his star midfielder under the proverbial bus but quickly remembered that every single bus he owns is still stationed at the depot, somewhere deep within one of the penalty areas at St. Mary’s. Burnley (a) Due to the squad discontent, the Carabao Cup 3^rdround tie away at Burnley is a must-win game. United draw 2-2 in normal time after a Chris Wood brace pulls Sean Dyche's side back from behind, twice. The big Kiwi striker gets free to power home two headers with the United back three evidently missing the imperious Juan Mata in the centre, who typically marshals the backline and gives no inch. United scrape through on penalties though, and for a moment Evil José can breathe again.

Leicester City (H) Up next is Leicester City, who United beat 1-0 thanks to a towering header from Paul Pogba, who is deployed alongside Lee Cattermole, rather than replacing him, and is clearly eager to impress his United vice-captain.

The match report describes the game as follows: “The fixture degenerated into a series of fouls that disrupted the flow of the match and allows neither team to find their groove.”

Leicester City, the away team, and a typically tight, counterattacking unit, have 61% possession. Lee Cattermole is booked on 26 minutes. In the Super Sunday fixture the following day, Neil Warnock’s Shithouse City are 4-0 down at halftime to Brighton. They win 5-4. The landscape remains full of ghouls. Life, in the form of the virtual Premier League, rumbles on in a familiar pattern.

Ajax (a) Ajax in the Champions League comes and goes without much in the way of drama and it is a surprisingly comfortable win considering the fact that the entire squad, bar Lee Cattermole, by this point despise Evil José. Nemanja Matic wallops in a gorgeous free-kick off that sledgehammer he calls a left foot and Romelu Lukaku bundles one home off a shin pad.

United now face a run of games of Liverpool (H), Chelsea (a), Valencia (a), Manchester City (a). Four Four Two are publishing an article every week now in the game suggesting that the board have run out of patience with Evil José. Word on the street is, his neck is on the guillotine block and the blade is about to fall. Cometh the hour, cometh the man then, as the must-win game against Liverpool at home is drawn 1-1 thanks to Lee Cattermole. Never has a single display so summed up an individual.

Chelsea (a) Against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge in the next game, United fall to a late 2-1 defeat. Morata scores, but United captain Marouane Fellaini responds by FINALLY scoring one of the four golden chances via headers he gets every single game that he usually just bullets straight at the goalkeeper, or the crossbar, or the little old lady sat behind the goal. Chelsea dominate the match and have 28 shots to United’s three, but yet, they only win in the dying embers of the game as De Gea launches a goal kick to Fellaini (on the statistics page for the club this is our number one passing combination, showing the full effect of Evil José). The Belgian isn’t looking at the play so is oblivious to the pass, even though, again, it is our most common pass. Pogba and Cattermole are, inexplicably, caught even further forward. There is no midfield.

Fabregas, collects, alone, and places a glorious first time through ball over the top off the instep of his right boot. Jesse Lingard, who Evil José sold to fund the move for Eden Hazard to play wing-back, is clean through on goal.

Jesse Lingard wins it for Chelsea.

Football Manager doesn’t actually have the Milly Rock animation in the game, but one can only presume Jesse Lingard Milly Rocks in the face of his former manager to celebrate. Heartbreak. Valencia (a) Before the derby, United have Valencia at the Mestalla in midweek. Keen to, again, park the bus depot and with one eye on the City game, Evil José opts to test out an untried 4-2-3-1, but not the traditional kind, the most defensive variation that the shape will allow with Alexis Sanchez and Hazard clipped back as defensive wingers.

United lose 4-0 and muster only a single shot on goal, an – and this is not a joke – attempted lob from halfway from Marouane Fellaini that drifts wide like a bin bag in the wind. Change is needed for the trip to the Etihad, but City are hardly flying high themselves and sit in 16^th. A win is desperately needed for both teams, and both managers.

Alone in his office the night before the game, it occurs to Evil José what the obvious solution is. Manchester City’s attack features a number of exceptionally quick, skilful wide players. And the antithesis to quick, skilful, wide players? Shithouse fullbacks. Particularly shithouse fullbacks who weren’t fullbacks in the first place. Particularly shithouse fullbacks who used to be wingers, but lost their pace, and were forced, through Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution, to become shithouse fullbacks. Evil José plays a back three of Young, the Libero Mata and Antonio Valencia. Hazard and Shaw will continue at wing-back. It proves a masterstroke.