At the time of writing it has 180,000 views
On Wednesday afternoon, former footballer Eric Cantona posted a video to his 605,000 Instagram followers.
‘Ooh, an Eric Cantona video? This should be interesting,’ many thousands of his followers will have thought after spotting it. Cantona is known for his irreverence and his charm and has the ability to genuinely entertain people.
If you were one of those thousands of people that had clicked ‘play’ on the video you’ll have very quickly discovered that it was neither irreverent or charming.
No. It was a video of a penis smashing an egg.
The internet is no stranger to videos of neither penises nor eggs. Pornography is quite popular, as is cookery.
The combination of these two though is an unholy alliance that we are lucky enough to have never seen before. If you believe in a God, the contents of the video – namely the penis smashing the egg – is an affront to it. If you don’t believe in God, it’s still quite disgusting.
You shouldn’t watch it. Because if you watch it once you’ll watch it twice, and from that point it’s hard to know what will occur.
You’ve reached this point though, which means that you want to know what happens in it, which is entirely natural.
If I hadn’t watched it, and I already wish I had not, then I would still be keen to know what exactly had happened.
That’s where I come in, drudging through this proverbial yolk to give the public what it wants. As they say, you have to crack a few eggs with your penis to make an omelette.
1. The introduction
We open on Eric Cantona. The man loved by many for his philosophical musings and breathtaking football skill. A man whose face prompts many to smile upon seeing it. It’s hard not to notice though that he has a worrying look on his face. He’s about to show us something. No doubt about. At this stage we must assume he’s been kidnapped.
2. The camera pans down
Hmmm, okay. A video within a video. Eric must really want to show us this thing. From the outset we see that this is a naked human body with an egg resting on the person’s toned abs, namely their belly button. Eric prepares to press play.
Having watched the video, I now realise there are two timelines of life. There is ‘BEPP’ and ‘AEPP’, ‘Before Eric Pressed Play’ and ‘After Eric Pressed Play’. BC and AD are superfluous now. God is dead.
3. AEPP
He hits play. And we are graced with confirmation that this is indeed the abdomen of a human man with an egg placed upon his belly button, which appears to be acting as some kind of egg cup.
‘Why is he keeping his legs together like that?’ you ask yourself. But you already know why. There can only be one reason why. Please say we’re wrong. We would give literally anything to be wrong.
4. We were not wrong
The man has opened his legs, people, like he always planned on doing. He was never going to keep his legs closed, don’t you see?! Opening his legs was the entire point. We have pixelated the penis because it is very NSFW, but you get the gist of what it looks like.
What isn’t conveyed fully from the still is the way it falls, unstoppably, like the statue of Saddam Hussein being toppled in the last days of his regime, except if he was a literal penis and the ground was made of uncooked eggs.
There is no coming back from this point.
5. A bad egg
The penis has landed on the egg and smashed it all over the man’s stomach. But he is not annoyed, this is what he had hoped for, and it has gone exactly according to plan.
The penis has smashed the egg and simultaneously smashed your perception that humanity is inherently good.
You do, for a moment, wonder if there is a hidden meaning to it all.
Perhaps the egg is capitalism, or the status quo? Perhaps penis is supposed to symbolise change, a new wave of social consciousness ending decades of mismanagement of our world?
This theory lasts for all of one second, until you realise that it is simply a penis, smashing against an egg.
6. The face of a man who knows what he has done
We return to Eric Cantona’s face now and the reason behind this remains as elusive as ever. One hint though is that he is not smiling, not even hinting towards one. He is grimacing heavily, like a man who – after seeing the penis smash the egg – felt compelled to pass the pain on, to unshackle himself from the enormity of it all.
He saw it, and now you must see it as well.
