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12th Mar 2018

A group has claimed responsibility for the pitch invasions at Crufts

Panic at the dog show.

Kyle Picknell

Protect the doggos at all costs.

Yesterday’s Crufts 2018 Final descended into something vaguely resembling chaos last night as audience members invaded the arena during the crowning of Best in Show.

Animal rights activists PETA have now claimed responsibility for the disruption, which saw them brandish placards at the crowd before eventually being tackled by security.

It wasn’t your typical day out at Crufts it seems, where the most exciting that happens is dogs running around obstacles and just generally being dogs. Which is pretty exciting for some people, but nevertheless. One simply does not expect this sort of watered-down football tomfoolery to make its way onto the hallowed ground of Birmingham’s NEC Arena, of all places. This is where 9,000 sit quietly and watch people run about with their doggos, which you can do in the park, for free. You just don’t expect it.

Clare Balding didn’t know what to do, although one suspects she was itching to roll back the years and take down the protestors herself with a well-timed People’s Elbow or Stone Cold Stunner.

Yvette Short was picking up the grand prize on behalf of her absurdly named dog Collooney Tartan Tease, who couldn’t pick up the prize himself, because he is a dog, during the incident and became so terrified that she grabbed her pooch and scuttled abruptly off stage right whilst security could be seen in the background performing what I believe they call a “massive pile-on” in the events protection industry. It’s a technical term.

PETA have confirmed they were behind the intrusion and are taking a stance against the breeding of pedigree dogs, which can leave them with genetic predispositions to medial side-effects such as epilepsy, deafness and heart disease, amongst others.

Bulldogs, pugs and other flat-faced species are well known for their susceptibility to breathing difficulties due to their shortened airways.

A spokesperson from PETA has stated that Crufts causes further harm by encouraging people to prefer purebreds over mixed-breed dogs, leaving thousands of good dogs in shelters.

Let’s sort this out now. I’m going down and getting approximately twelve doggos. I urge you all to do the same.