Troubles that only balding men will properly understand

Male-pattern baldness. Three words that strike terror into many a chap.

It is something that effects 70 per cent of men at one point or another, yet many staunchly refuse to admit it to themselves or others. Worse still, they overcompensate by running for president of the United States with roadkill stapled to their heads. But fear not, because as the adverts say, help is at hand. We're not offering you a miracle cure or some free Wayne Rooney-style transplant, but rather we give you the gift of solidarity and the knowledge you're not alone in your follicle sparseness. Stay strong, shiny-bonced brothers, and nod your thinning domes in resigned agreement at the following tribulations of the fuzzicly-challenged...

Hats

Seems like an obvious solution, doesn't it? If you're absolutely intent on hiding your balding thatch, then some form of lid seems quite sensible. Except it's far from that simple. The problem with headwear for the balding bloke is that putting on a cap, beanie, hood, or fedora of a morning is a commitment...to not taking it off again. You know what's worse than matted hat hair? Un-matted hat non-hair.

Weather

The thing with becoming sparser up top is that "styling" your hair becomes less about showing off and more about damage limitation. You don't want it to seem as if you've spent too much time on your remaining wisps as it seems much ado about nothing, but the "ruffled look" is hard to pull off without great care. Alas then come the rains and wind, and suddenly your house of cards is obliterated like Dorothy's Kansas.

Piss-takers

Would you laugh at someone with half a face? What if they were missing eight of their fingers? No. But baldy in the corner? Yeah sure, let's rip the piss out of that loser for having less above him than John Lennon in space. Mates think nothing of reminding you again and again that there's more coverage on the average 3rd division pitch in the middle of winter than there is on your drafty dome.

Barbers

The only thing worse than someone taking the piss out of your un-hirsuteness is being patronised about it. And no one does it quite like barbers. Not only do they ask with mock sincerity whether you want to "keep it long on top", but they save the worst 'til last. That bit when they show you the back with a mirror? Baldies get a slightly crouched, more angled version to conceal the glare of their freshly naked noggin.

Style icons

Men with proud manes have lots of different role-models they can choose to emulate - Ryan Gosling, Daniel Craig, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Denzel Washington, Jamie Vardy - the list is endless. And the combless? Well, there's Bruce Willis...and, erm...Vin Diesel...oh, and Jason Statham! Nice one. We'll just bulk up and star in second-rate action flicks from 10 years ago, shall we?

"Just shave it!"

Notice something about the thinning lotharios listed above? That's right - they've all elected to shave their heads clean of foliage. And it's a piece of advice that's regularly offered to those with less and less insulation in the attic. The problem is that not everyone suits a shaven head. The intention may be David Beckham circa 2000, but all too often the result is Karl Pilkington's perfectly gormless circle.