Celebrities. They're just like you and I.
Except they're not at all because when celebrities get arrested and have their mug shots taken, some of them manage to look superhuman as if they're above the law and somehow have the upper hand in the situation because they know deep down everything will be ok.
Guaranteed, if I unexpectedly got arrested, I'll be wearing my shittest clothes, be without a scrap of makeup and my hair won't have been washed for 2-3 days because I am scum. I'll be in the papers looking like a sack of ripe garbage, which is truly the greatest punishment of all.
Let's cast our minds back to some of the best celebrity mug shots of all time. Although crime is bad, judges are said to be more lenient on those that take a good mug shot. Fact.
Frank Sinatra
The old boyo Frank was done for 'carrying on' with a married woman in 1938 and looks all too delighted with his offence in this mug shot. His playful tuft of hair falling onto his face is practically cinematic, as is his stifled smile and piercing eye contact. It's likely that the arresting sheriff let him off with some brief tutting and a stern pat on the back, calling him a 'cheeky scamp' and making him promise not to do it again. He gets four handcuffs out of five.
Nick Nolte
The actor was caught for driving under the influence in 2002 after his car was seen swerving across the highway. He was reportedly droopy eyed and drooling at the time, but that's likely because he'd just secured an incredible bargain on his shirt and had clearly stuck his head out the sunroof for several miles in celebration. He's nailed the remorseful mug shot look, whilst also maintaining an air of mystery about his livelihood, therefore Nick gets three handcuffs out of five.
Flava Flav
Flavoursome Flavour was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon and sincerely appears put out by the entire situation. He's just coming round to the idea that you can get arrested for threatening your fiancée with a knife and appears genuinely remorseful. It's reminiscent of the scene in The Simpsons where Bart pinpoints the exact moment Ralph's heart rips in half. This is the exact moment Flava Flav decides to stop wearing clocks around his neck. 3 handcuffs out of 5.
Lindsay Lohan
When she surrendered herself in 2010, on this particular occasion we must pay mad respect to LiLo in this situation whereby she has absolutely nailed her angle on that camera. Her hair is flawless, she's got a wonderfully bronzed glow all over and, dare I say it, orange is most definitely her colour. Her eyes say 'I'm not sorry. Not one bit', while her mouth says 'I'm going to say bad words after this photograph is taken'. Five handcuffs out of five.
Kiefer Sutherland
Kiefer Sutherland? More like Kiefer Smoulderland because this beautiful man is smouldering in his mug shot. Kiefs was surrendering for his 48-day jail sentence for DUI and it's a wonder that the look of intense determination in his eyes didn't cancel all legal proceedings immediately. His face says 'don't mess with me', while his eyes say 'hey girl, you up?' via text message at 4am. Kiefer gets 6 handcuffs out of 5.
Macaulay Culkin
Macaulay was arrested for possession in 2004 and with that, shattered everyone's illusions that he was a sweet little angelic boy from
Home Alone. He's serving a look that suggests he's just seen you deliberately input the incorrect piece of fruit at the self-service checkout to save a few pennies, but promises not to tell anyone if you touch his private parts. What was he buying? 'A lovely cheese pizza just for me', probably. Macreepy gets 2 handcuffs out of 5 for this mug shot.
Jane Fonda
Jane was arrested for drug smuggling in 1970, but the only thing she's smuggling in this mug shot is our cold dead hearts with her innocent look. It turned out the "drugs" she was smuggling were actually vitamins, which explains why Jane looks so defiantly righteous in these images. Raise that fist girl, the long arm of the law cannot touch you. Jane gets five handcuffs out of five because she's Jane fucking Fonda, that's why.
Vanilla Ice
Arrested for burglary in 2015, Robert Van Winkle looks like a reformed thug who thrives off getting good grades and keeping his cholesterol at an acceptable level. His hair appears to have been cut by his mother in a hurry before going to church, while his shirt is so crisp, a bunch of students tried to eat it on their way home from a night out. Vanilla, you used to be cool man. Two handcuffs out of five. Go and think about what you've done.
Nicole Richie
She turned herself in to serve a four-day sentence in 2007, but she also ended up serving one of the hottest mug shot looks the world has ever seen. Similar to Lindsay Lohan above, Nicole has absolutely nailed the downward camera angle reminiscent of a Bebo Stunnah circa 2005. If it ever came to light that Nicole had external assistance with hair and makeup for this look, I would knowingly nod along as the information was being relayed to me, not a bit surprised by her actions. 4 handcuffs out of 5.
50 Cent
Good lord. Fiddy was arrested for felony charges selling drugs but the only thing that's being arrested right now is my attention. At a tender 19 years of age, I am baffled as to how he wasn't immediately snapped up with a modelling contract after these photographs were taken. His face means business, but his eyes hold a deep and suspenseful mystery that I'd be willing to investigate. 5 furry handcuffs out of 5.
Tiger Woods
The latest entry into this hall of fame, Tiger was hit with a DUI and looks every bit as guilty as a child with a marker in a recently redecorated bedroom. His eyes scream 'PARTY', while his hairline screams 'WHERE'S MY HAT?' As the internet has assured us, this image is prime for meme-ing and I believe that Tiger was aware of that, deep down, at the time of the photograph being taken. I'd like to see a little more emotion, so he's getting 2 handcuffs out of 5.
Khloe Kardashian
Khloe was arrested for a DUI in 2007 and proved to us all that criminals can serve both time and strong looks with the right determination. Not only has she nailed the camera angle, she's also tilted her head slightly to accentuate her hair and features. Try to find a flaw in her makeup. Give up? Good. Because you won't. If this is what doing time does to your appearance, then lock me up and throw away the keys because I am ready to transform. 5 handcuffs out of 5. Inspirational.
Stephen Baldwin
Goodness me. Stephen Baldwin wins Best Actor for his portrayal of Arrested Male in the 2012 classic 'Failing To File Income Tax'. His pout suggests dissatisfaction, but also a strong determination to look fierce for his fans. I've gotten lost in his eyes five times while trying to write this because they are too dreamy to function around. It's reported the judge and jury had to wear protective glasses during the trial as a result. 5 handcuffs out of 5. Take everything I have.
Lil Wayne
Lil Wayne got in a lil trouble with the law and faced drug charges in 2008. Rather than appearing repentant in his mug shot, Wayne opted for the defiant stance of a two-year-old that refuses to eat any more carrots on his plate because they taste 'icky'. Lil Wayne is having a lil sulk and it's a bold choice for the photograph but it certainly pays off in terms of meme capabilities. 4 handcuffs out of 5.
Chase Crawford
As tame as you can get, Chase was arrested for possession of marijuana. Although it wasn't reported, I am fully sure he was listening to Maroon 5 at the time whilst wearing a pair of sensible brown loafers. His tousled hair gives him that
Gossip Girl bad boy look he so desperately craves, while the prison orange allows his seductive eyes to pop. He's not one bit sorry. He will possess a marijuana again because he's not afraid of the law. 4 handcuffs out of 5.
Amanda Bynes
Gal to gal, there's no way Amanda would've been happy with the outcome of this mug shot. She looks great, but the shine on her face was entirely preventable. She knows it, the photographer knows it and the long arm of the law knows it too. A quick touch up of powder and a softer light would've made the world of difference here. As expected, the police are absolute crooks for allowing this. Give a girl a fighting chance FFS. 2 handcuffs out of 5.
Mel Gibson
It's difficult to tell who is under arrest in this situation because Mel's stern look is channelling the authority of a law enforcement official. On this occasion, he was done for a misdemeanour battery conviction which he shows zero remorse for. He's terrifying, his eyes are vacant of any real expression and if you look at this photo for longer than five seconds, Mel appears and shouts at you for staring too long. 1 handcuff out of 5.
Tyler, The Creator
Pitchfork
Credit where it's due, Tyler looks fantastic. He's smiling, the t-shirt colour suits him perfectly and his eyes are so alert they could start up a neighbourhood watch community and tackle all crime by sundown. He was arrested for inciting a riot at SXSW in 2014, where he allegedly told a bunch of people to push through some gates. Tyler doesn't look a bit sorry. He'd do it again in the morning given the chance. It's a great mug shot. 5 handcuffs out of 5.
Bill Gates
Billy G was arrested for driving without a licence and not stopping at a stop sign, and he couldn't be more delighted about the situation if he tried. Finally, the computer nerd has a cool story to tell at parties! His smile is the smile of a man that has just secured his fighting chance at being cool. Sure, he's worth $88.5 billion now, but what's that in cool points? Or more importantly, handcuff points? His jazzy shirt taken into account, Bill gets a well-deserved 5 handcuffs out of 5 for this mug shot.
Justin Bieber
Spade a spade, this is the cutest shit I have ever seen. Justin was done for DUI in 2014 and took the opportunity to get some solid head shots for any upcoming work opportunities. He looks vibrant, there's a sparkle in his eyes, he's showing just the right amount of teeth, his smile suggests he's got the upper hand in this situation, and who can argue that orange is most definitely this kid's colour. Justin's hair is proudly standing tall of its own accord because that is simply how things run around here. 6 handcuffs out of 5. I challenge you to show me a better mug shot.
