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03rd Nov 2018

The world’s smallest condom is now available

Kyle Picknell

You’re going to tag your mate in this article, aren’t you?

For ‘banter’. To imply that they have a small penis. Or maybe you know they have a small penis. Maybe you know they don’t. Maybe you’ve seen more of their penis than you would have liked. Maybe they’ve seen more of your penis than they would have liked.

Maybe you don’t even have a penis. I’m reliably informed roughly half the population don’t. That’s fine too.

Maybe, together, you have seen and mentally analysed each other’s penis over and over again so much that now, should it be required, you could probably pick their penis out of a police lineup of dicks as though you were trying to identify a serial flasher who operates exclusively with a paper bag over their head.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here, the real crux of all this preamble before I tell you the exact dimensions of the world’s smallest condom and where you can buy it from because a) you’re curious to find out for reasons or b) because you’ve been tagged in this for banter but, even so, you still now need to find out for reasons, the point is that penises come in all shapes and sizes, and all are fine, really, apart from Donald Trump’s mushroom wand.

TheyFit, a company that produces condoms in 66 different sizes, now has the world’s smallest fit on sale.

The size is called E55, and measures 125mm (4.92 inches) long, with a width of 45mm.

And if that still sounds too roomy, you can go even smaller, by ordering an anonymous fit that goes all the way down to 3.1 inches in length and 41mm in width, which is the smallest you are going to get anywhere.

As is mandatory in any article concerning penises, because all men are so fundamentally insecure about the size of their genitals in comparison to everyone else, here are some average length stats for dicks.

In the UK, according to the NHS, the average length when flaccid is 9cm (3.75 inches). When erect, the average length is between 5 and 7 inches.

Additionally, the NHS also feel the need to include this disclaimer on the same page about penis sizes, which pretty much sums up the state of it:

“You cannot make your penis larger or smaller with exercises or medication.”

To conclude: If you feel like you have been ‘bantered off’ by the ‘banter merchant’ who tagged you in this, just rest assured that I wrote it. I am going to get all kinds of steaming hot banter fired in my direction.

And the thing is, the joke will be on them.

They will still have no idea actually how small my penis really is.