We need to have a quick chat about the Squatty Potty, if that's alright
Have things, on the whole, gone too far?
There is in existence today, a product that aids the shitting process.
This product is not coffee, nor is it a fistful of prunes or a big old container of laxatives.
It is the Squatty Potty.
Conveniently referred to as 'a toilet stool', this item boasts aiding your ability to have a shit.
The design is aimed at giving you better posture when you're on the toilet, which therefore makes having a poo much easier. Sitting rather than squatting inhibits the process, so the stool is here to literally open up your butt passage and get that sucker out of there as quickly and as calmly as possible.
But how do you market a product like that? Obviously you're going to want to acknowledge how comical the whole situation is, but also let people know that their lives could be improved with the use of this genius product.
The following graphic is legitimately on the Squatty Potty website.
If I can draw your attention to the biggest issue with the above image, it's that the self-proclaimed Prince Of Poop is attempting to take a dump through his clothes. Elevated knees or not, he's going to destroy his pants and potentially boots when he stands up, depending on the texture of the poop and its desire to travel.
Secondly, what does the term 'poop like royalty' actually mean? Do you refine your Amazon search by looking at prices from high to low while you're browsing for a new toaster as you poop? Or do you wear a pinky ring as you wipe your bum? I do not understand how to poop like royalty, but I'm almost certain that it doesn't entail the use of an ergonomic footstool.
It's also worth questioning the 'non-slip feet' boast that's included in the advertisement. If one of the selling points of your product is that you won't fall off (when it stands about 15cm off the ground), you have run out of things to brag about. Maybe just make it a three point plan as opposed to four. Or else allow the USPs to get increasingly more ridiculous if you want to get in for a penny, in for a pound. Might I propose point number five being "It's white, so the brightness will wake you up while you're having your morning dump" or "Stool use not limited to aiding the shitting process, also ideal if you need to be slightly higher off the ground than usual at any point during your day".
Off the top of your head, how many stool designs do you think the folks down at Squatty Potty have for sale online at present? Before I checked, I would've said two. A stool for tall people and a stool for small people, perhaps in a variety of colours but with two designs overall.
Well heck, prepare to shit (without an ergonomic footrest) as I tell you that there are twelve stools available right now. 12. T-W-E-L-V-E. Twelve different models to rest your feet upon as you drop a turd.
Feast your shitty little eyes on this extensive range of shit facilitators.
Tag yourself, I'm 'Porta-Squatty', the toilet stool you can bring anywhere!
My second favourite has to be the 'Tao Bamboo Adjustable' because nothing says luxury like some adjustable bamboo that helps you shit.
'SquattyPottymus' obviously deserves a shoutout, mostly because his facial expression is perfectly apt. He too is horrified by this entire concept in every way.
At this point in my journey to becoming not entirely repulsed by the Squatty Potty, two of which retail for $99 , I need to get some science involved.
Terrific, and precisely as graphic as the average consumer desires. As the diagram shows, your colon, in a kinked state, will hassle you with a 'booty blockage'. But in an unkinked state, my dude, you are having a 'fecal fiesta'.
You'd be forgiven for thinking that the Squatty Potty sells itself. The whole premise sells itself, surely? But that's where you're wrong. Some people are cocky about their ability to take a shit. They've managed so far, what's to say they need this device now? Does it even work properly?
For those that are on the fence about the necessity for such an apparatus, the colon illustration is make or break. Once you see the puborectalis muscle stretched to a better angle thanks to the use of a toilet stool, you're either going to order one immediately or log off the internet for the day.
In case the previous graphics including a fake monarch shitting through his pants wasn't enough, we now get to see a human body creating the perfect angle for a shit.
First, you sit. Then you elevate and finally, you will eliminate the poop after achieving the golden angle of poop facilitation.
Do you feel repulsed yet? If not, the Squatty Potty might just be the product for you.
From a personal point of view, I'm still on the fence. I've given the website a thorough rummage and I fully understand the logistics of the Squatty Potty. My only issue is the shame surrounding it. I refuse to have one on display in my bathroom.
Here's how I envisage my Squatty Potty shaming going down when a friend calls over and at some point needs to use my toilet:
Friend: Did you have a toddler that I don't know about?
Friend: There's a little step up to your toilet.
Me: Oh yeah. That's my Squatty Potty.
Friend: Excuse me?
Me: It helps you shit.
Friend: Right. Specifically how does it help you to take a shit?
Me: It bends your knees up high so your puborectalis muscle is at a good angle for shitting.
Friend: Okay. Have you been having problems shitting?
Me: I saw it online and the website was wacky yet informative.
Friend: How much did you pay for this footstool that helps you to shit even though you've had no problems shitting?
Me: It was £25 with free
shittingshipping (obviously I will have bought the SquattyPottymus in this hypothetical situation).
Me: Please don't tell anyone about this.
In summary, I am no closer to deciding whether I should buy a Squatty Potty or not, but mad respect to the marketing team behind it. What a website.
All images via Squatty Potty