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30th September 2018
06:12pm BST

Obvious point is obvious, but if you're one of those people who signs up and visits the gym a handful of time in January - with the only further contact coming via your monthly direct debit payment - then a Sober October is the perfect opportunity to rekindle your fitness ambitions. Look no further than JOE's 'Ditch the dad bod' series if you're looking to get yourself into shape.
Squash stands out from other sports, because unlike say football or rugby, you can play it indoors away from October's rain and growing chill. However, that gentle escape from the elements belies the fact that squash is brutal. There is no escape in squash. There is no hiding in midfield. Just you and your opponent. Playing squash is like doing drills with Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in your ear. You must run and run and run. You will be broken.
If you're the kind of guy who mostly hangs out with people known for sitting in the pub rather than doing anything high brow, demonstrating you have some cultural capital will set you out as some kind of Baudelairian figure amongst your friends and acquitances. Make sure you bang it on your Insta stories and, as it's coming up to winter, why not go the whole hog and invest in a few black turtlenecks too? - really own it.
These are pretty fun. Almost like a VR video game, only without the headaches and niggling sense that wearing a headset makes you look like a complete weirdo. If you've never heard of it, the concept is pretty simple: you and your friends are locked in a room and need to solve a series of tasks in order to get out of there. It's kind of like an IRL Crystal Maze or Fort Boyard. Good clean sober fun.
Bowling was good when you were 13 and it's still good now. People will tell you it is something only worth doing as an adult if you're also boozing, but they are deeply deeply wrong. What they won't realise when they agree to come along is that bowling is a sport. Once you've spent 20 minutes on the 10p machines and teddy pickers and changed your shoes, you will all want to win.
Does Messi sink pints at the half-time of El Classico? Of course not. Destroy anyone who dares step up to the alley with a Stella in one hand and a bowling ball in the other. Demolish them.
Here me out on this one, because I was admittedly sceptical about the idea of climbing up a wall over and over again, seemingly without aim or purpose - a human hamster on a vertical wheel. But, the thing is, I have a friend who's got really into it recently and usually he doesn't like doing anything other than drinking pints and playing Halo online. So fuck it, it must be good.
Finally, the ultimate challenge for anyone taking part in Sober October is making a visit to the pub and ordering a Diet Coke. Even if you're not drinking, it's important you stay in contact with your friends who continued to stray from Our Father's light. The ultimate satisfaction will be watching your friends slowly grow more incoherent, whilst you regale them with all the new hobbies you've taken up.
Good luck.
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