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09th Jul 2019

Ranking Archie’s christening attendees from least to most worried about climate change

Ciara Knight

Listen, we’re all thinking about it

At this very moment in time, we’re all acutely aware of the fact that the planet is dying and it’s all our fault. The attendees of baby Archie’s christening are no exception to this mindset.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have released an official photograph from the christening and it’s simply not enough to enjoy the imagery of the future of the Royal family. We must dig deeper. We must find more.

We must work out whomst is the attendee that is most worried about climate change. Not for sport, not for intrigue and not for journalism. Simply, for #content.

Now then, let’s get ranking.

10. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall

No disrespect, but that is the face of a woman who uses multiple aerosols on a daily basis with gay abandon. Camilla has not thought about climate change in the past 42 hours and shows no signs of putting it on the mental agenda any time soon. Look at the shape she’s making with her fingertips. Replicate it with your own hands and look closely at it. That is a flat earth. Camilla is a flat earth truther and a climate change denier. You can’t see the whites of her eyes because they don’t exist. She is going to burn this planet to the ground, one hairspray can at a time. She’s lethal.

9. Meghan, Duchess of Sussex

Granted she’s had other things such as motherhood on her mind as of late, but to truly escape the eternal sense of climate-change-related dread is a miraculous feat. Meghan’s delight extends beyond the photo call. Her eyes are glistening and her smile seems genuine. Climate change might affect her baby’s life, but she’s statistically going to emerge relatively unscathed. Her hat was made using the mesh from a fish net. But the net wasn’t used to catch fish, it was used to drag icebergs into warmer climates, thereby speeding up the melting process and causing sea levels to rise worldwide. Meghan Markle is excited by climate change. She hopes it distracts everyone enough to forget about that Dater’s Handbook movie she starred in in 2016.

8. Lady Sarah McCorquodale

Already forcing credit card companies to break all regulations by pressuring them to use extra plastic when trying fit her full name on the cards, Lady Sarah has an appetite for destruction. Her carefree smile shows a woman that isn’t thinking about climate change at all in this exact moment. She’s wearing a jacket in July, such is her blatant disregard for the climate’s demise. It’s hard to prove, but it’s very likely that her smirk is one in relation to purposely not having any solar panels installed on her property. She is laughing at China and their biggest solar energy capacity in the world (130 gigawatts). They are jesters to Lady Sarah, every last one of them.

7. Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

That dazzling smile is either a deliberate shunning of climate change, or relief at not being the one to have to tend to a newborn this time. So far during her time as a royal, Kate has mostly been a longevity-provider for the family, emitting offspring at regular intervals and wearing a lot of shiny jewellery in between. But she comes from slightly more humble roots. The Middletons might not even rinse their plastics before putting them into the green bin, we can’t be certain. Kate’s got a knowing smile, she’s guilty as hell. She sent an angry tweet to McDonalds about the integrity of their paper straws when used in conjunction with melting milkshakes, but used the pseudonym ‘Mate Kiddleton’. She’s sick, just like the planet.

6. Prince Charles, Prince of Wales

There’s a small trace of very mild climate change panic here, but Charles is ignoring it to the best of his ability. He’s here to witness the christening of his fourth grandchild, take a family photograph and hope that everyone has forgotten about the time he compared himself to Camilla’s tampon. We haven’t, Charles. Also, tampons aren’t very eco-friendly. There are many environmentally-conscious alternatives, such as Moon Cups. Would Camilla have been swooned by Charles if he expressed a desire to be her Moon Cup rather than a tampon? Such a deliberate regard for the planet’s wellbeing? If anything, it would’ve wooed her sooner. He’s livid.

5. Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex

Look, it’s a big day. His firstborn is being christened and he’s dressed like the Del Monte man. But Prince Harry has a niggling sense of dread in the back of his mind. The beard trimmer he used this morning runs off mains powered electricity, the clothes he’s wearing weren’t ethically sourced, his beaded bracelets were likely to have been made by unfairly paid labourers. But hey, big boy Archie is getting christened! By a priest that drove to the church in a fuel inefficient car, smoking a cigarette and then switching to a vape once he got indoors. Still, it’s nice to have the whole family together for a photograph. That will be printed on non-recyclable card and disposed of incorrectly. Fuck. Cancel the bouncy castle.

4. Lady Jane Fellowes

Carmen Sandiego is back and she’s worried about her carbon footprint at last. Lady Jane Fellowes knows that the sun is far too hot for this time of year. London, specifically Buckingham Palace, is burning. Her face is simply too fragile to tolerate these positively exotic conditions, hence the banter merchant hat. Even indoors, Lady Jane won’t risk the powerful beams of the sun wreaking havoc with her skin pigmentation. Not now, not ever. She’s had a nice day at the christening, feeling grateful simply just to be involved, but Lady Jane will think about her carbon footprint the entire drive home, especially stopped at the drive-thru as she attempts to fill the hole that an assortment of vegan canapés failed to sate. Get the woman some meat.

3. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge

Visibly irked by being relegated to the back row this time, Prince William is struggling to produce a smile given the events that are unfolding around us at all times. He’s all too aware that the world’s leading climate scientists are predicting that in twelve years, we’re going to face serious consequences if we don’t try to limit the effects of climate change. In twelve years, Prince William could potentially be King. People will look to him, a relatively powerless figurehead, to invent a time machine to go back and reverse the damage that has been done, but it will be a fruitless endeavour. Time machines are a fantasy. William will plough millions of pounds into the research, but every penny will go to waste. He’s going to be remembered as the king who tried and failed to save us all. Also, he’ll try to blame his weak hairline on climate change but it will be disproven leaving him publicly humiliated.

2. Doria Ragland

Meghan’s mother is new to all this. The public interest, the lavish lifestyle, the fascination with jewellery. She can’t take her mind off the fact that the planet is dying, not for one second. Doria lives in Los Angeles, but frequently flies to the UK to visit her daughter. That carbon footprint continues to build as she juggles family life. There’s a lot of pressure on Doria to learn how to fly herself, quashing the long-held belief that humans are incapable of flight. It won’t be long before the Royal Family urge her to take flight for the good of mankind. With the right kind of training and sustenance, Doria could make it from LA to London in 8 hours using just her arms as propellors. Time’s ticking, Doria. We’re all going to die. Be on the right side of history. Fly.

1. Archie Mountbatten-Windsor

Chap is barely a wet week old and he’s knackered. Archie is fraught with worry thinking about the world he’s recently been plunged into. He’s not going to be around when Titanic 2 happens because there won’t be any icebergs left. The polar bear on the Coca-Cola Christmas advert is going to die soon. Cars will stop getting made. Fossil fuels will run out. Water will probably still exist but slowly start tasting a bit funky. Archie has a great life ahead of him, but he can’t stop thinking about the risks to our overall wellbeing that are afoot. “Stop using plastic straws, get a Keep Cup, sell your car, listen to David Attenborough”, he’s saying. And we should listen to Archie. The planet is dying. Stay woke.