'London Eye is down': the secret plan for the days after Mr. Blobby's death
He is venerated around the world. He has outlasted a turnover of twelve Xtra Factor hosts. He stands for justice, equality, blobbing and also blobbing.
So what happens when international icon Mr. Blobby dies? Rest assured, there is a plan in place. A meticulous set of instructions that must be adhered to. These directions are locked away, with only two people in the world aware of their whereabouts.
The constitution clearly states that the United Kingdom will not be without a fully-functioning Mr. Blobby for a period longer than twenty-four (24) hours or one (1) rotation of the Earth around the Sun.
It's expected that Mr. Blobby will die after a short illness, surrounded by his loved ones. When his father, Mr. Blobby Senior passed away in the 60s, he was in the presence of family and friends, with a short amount of time to deliver his final words. Although never officially documented, it is widely believed that "Blobby blobby blobby, blobby blobby" were his last utterances.
There will be some press releases from Blobby's spokesperson, but not many. "Mr. Blobby is comfortable and surrounded by loved ones at present. Family flowers only". A barrage of media personnel will surround his home, even climbing trees to get a glance at his withdrawal from this cruel and unforgiving world.
Noel Edmonds will be by Mr. Blobby's side from the onset of his illness. Although estranged in recent years, theirs is a bond that is truly eternal. He will be the last person that Mr. Blobby calls a "Blobby blob", much to Noel's dismay but ultimate delight.
His deeply disturbing eyes will close and the United Kingdom will be without Mr. Blobby. The first official to deal with the news will be John B. Lobby, President and CEO of the Associated Press and a close personal friend of Mr. Blobby. He will feed out the information through a small number of essential news outlets and within minutes, it will be known worldwide. Our sweet prince has left this life and moved onto the next. The London Eye is down.
All production of currency with Mr. Blobby's image will be halted as soon as the news breaks, as we await to see who will be the new entertainer. Similarly, Mr. Blobby stamps will cease production and existing ones will spontaneously combust once the Prime Minister triggers the special D-day switch.
The media will begin spreading the news far and wide. They will have pre-prepared articles, VTs and segments for this momentous event. Regular programming will be interrupted for the announcement. Flags will fly at half mast, as will our hearts. Four days of mourning will be announced for the country.
The Prime Minister, whoever it may be, will speak live on BBC News about Mr. Blobby's passing. He/she will be tasked with controlling his/her feelings in an inevitably heightened emotional state. Trying to hold back tears, he/she will momentarily break down and let out a mournful yelp, only to recover and deliver a speech that will go down in history as being one of the most moving tributes the world has ever witnessed.
A string of Mr. Blobby's most famous quotes will befall social media over the coming hours, as members of the public recall how he touched their lives, and indeed all of our lives at a time when we needed it most. A personal favourite, this poignant quote will become the most retweeted tweet of all time:
"Blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby. Blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby. Blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby. Blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby blobby."
Radio stations will play inoffensive music for the remainder of the day. Songs such as 'Green Eyes' by Coldplay will be blacklisted, along with anything that contains the word 'Blob', 'Blobby' or 'Creep'. It's likely that many celebrities will make emotional tributes to Mr. Blobby, the most anticipated obviously being Jessica from Liberty X with whom Blobby was rumoured to have a fling with in 2001.
They'll also be playing some of Mr. Blobby's hits, such as his Christmas number one 'Mr. Blobby' from 1993, along with some tracks from his debut EP 'Mr Blobby: The Album', reminding us all that it was an exceptional piece of work from an extremely gifted man.
Television will be littered with reruns of Noel's House Party, which will be a tough but necessary watch on the day itself. There'll also be some intermittent episodes of Doctor Who, a subtle reminder that the Daleks and Mr. Blobby had identical voices.
Mr. Blobby's funeral will be a spectacle for all, as it will be live streamed on his Facebook page. His coffin will repose in Westminster Hall until it is greeted by a guard of honour from his BBC friends, including Basil Brush, Sooty and Sweep, The Teletubbies (minus Dipsy) and Tots TV. Rosie and Jim will not be in attendance but send their heartfelt condolences to all of the Blobbys.
At his request, Mr. Blobby will be buried at one of his abandoned theme parks, which will eventually become part of one of the rides when the park relaunches next summer in his honour. Although not fully confirmed as yet, it's expected that it will be a ghost train that swiftly passes by his spoooooooky decaying cadaver.
There will also be a GoPro in the coffin so fans can monitor Mr. Blobby's decomposition in real time, something that hasn't been done before and is widely considered as grossly inappropriate.
In the days, weeks and months after Mr. Blobby's passing, fans will question who the new Mr. Blobby will be. Regardless of the constitution's stipulations, it will take far longer than 24 hours after his passing to find the next Blob. After much deliberation and some political pressure, Noel Edmonds will be announced as Mr. Blobby's successor.
He will don Mr. Blobby's rotting flesh and delight the nation until the process is repeated again when the time tragically comes.