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14th Nov 2018

If you want to buy an Idris Elba doll that looks nothing like Idris Elba, you’re in luck

Question: Has the person that made the doll ever seen Idris Elba before?

Ciara Knight

Idris Elba has been turned into a doll, kind of

Not too much to ask, right? Just make a doll that looks like the newly-crowned Sexiest Man Alive, Idris Elba.

If you’re not sure what he looks like, maybe Google him. Seems simple enough. Brush up on your knowledge, then job’s a good’un, surely?

Ah right. Okay. Here we are. It would appear not.

The good folks over at Emperis have indeed miscalculated how much their doll representation of Idris Elba actually looks like Idris Elba.

Not to worry, these things happen.

Still, we’ve got some questions. Sorry, but journalism calls.

Question #1: Has the doll maker ever actually seen an image Idris Elba before?

We’ve all been there – you get handed a task at work that you’re deeply unqualified to do. You’ve lied on your CV saying that you know Excel better than you know yourself, when in reality, you’re not entirely confident which one Excel actually is, possibly the one with slide shows? Still, you persist because you’re stubborn as hell and cannot allow your employers to work out that you are indeed a moron. I’m not saying that’s what has happened here, but it truly does seem like it. The doll maker was sent an email, told that they needed to get an Idris Elba doll made in exactly four minutes or they would be fired. They did they best they could, given that they were born without hands, eyes or any knowledge of what Idris Elba looks like.

Question #2: Has Idris Elba seen the doll yet and if so, how did he react?

Based on his most recent social media output, it would suggest that Idris Elba has not yet had the misfortune of seeing what he looks like in doll form. Or, perhaps he is so harrowed by the sight, he has taken it upon himself to refuse to comment. His publicist may have sent the image, receiving an “OMG WTF” response, understandably. The Sexiest Man Alive shouldn’t be subjected to this kind of bullying by a company that makes dolls. He’s furious. If you were to arrive at his home right now, Idris would be knee-deep in paperwork, figuring out if it’s possible to sue a doll manufacturer, or at the very least, stop the image from being circulated any further. If this article makes it onto the internet, I’m happy to report that he has failed.

Question #3: Did a horrible accident take place whereby a Mr. Bean and Idris Elba hybrid creature has been invented?

Look at the doll and tell me that there isn’t even so much as a smidge of Mr. Bean in there. You cannot, as that would be a lie. I am certain that Mr. Bean was used as the template for the doll, then a few small adjustments were made and the whole thing was dropped repeatedly on the ground, rolled over by a truck and then held too close to a candle for quite some time. The result is what we’re look at today. The manufacturer has produced the most sinister looking doll that the world has ever seen. Legally, there’s not a lot that can be done. But morally, he/she needs to take some time away from making dolls, reevaluate things and see to it that this hideous item is humanely destroyed at their nearest convenience.

Question #4: Was the Fresco Jesus ruiner involved in any capacity?

It’s a tough question to ask, but it has to be touched on. Six years ago, Cecelia Giminez took it upon herself to restore Ecce Homo, a precious fresco of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. As we’ve now come to accept, mistakes were made. Perhaps she went a little heavy on the eyeliner, applied slightly too much pressure to the canvas, lapsed in concentration once or twice. The fact is that she, respectfully, absolutely fucked it. So where is she now? She’s kept a low profile, but the Idris Elba doll is living proof that Cecelia is back at her old restoration game once again. This was a perfectly fine Ken doll before she got to work. The woman must be stopped before she turns the moon into a giant ball of that waxy Babybel coating. We must stay vigilant.

Question #5: Does this now rule Idris Elba out of the running to become the next James Bond?

Was this all just a shady little ploy by Idris Elba’s fellow rumoured shortlisted Bond actors? Are the Cumberbitches behind this? The Die-Hardys? Whatever Tom Hiddleston’s fan goes by these days? Something is amiss here. No doll manufacturer worth their salt would ever produce such a poor effort, it beggars belief. Someone with a large amount of power and an ever bigger amount of money has commissioned this. The next James Bond cannot have a skeleton as this hanging in their closet. His credibility as an actor is ruined, nobody can take him seriously after seeing this eyesore. It’s over. The Elba is broken. He’s done. Whoever is behind this, watch your back. You’ve made a very powerful enemy. ALSO CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GIVE IDRIS ELBA HIS HAIR BACK.

Images via Emperis