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09th Sep 2019

10 essential items to include in your emergency grab bag

Ciara Knight

September is having a very normal one already

We currently find ourselves in September, or as it’s known to approximately nine people, ‘Preparedness month’.

What does that mean? Excellent question, and one that I, among countless others, truly cannot answer without resorting to Google.

Basically, you need to be ready for a disaster to happen at all times, but during September especially. How do you do this? Well, the approach falls somewhere between blindly assuming that everything will always be fine, and being a full-blown doomsday prepper.

Police Scotland‘s handy infographic demonstrates what they consider to be the best way to fill a grab-and-go bag in preparation for some kind of crisis, conveniently 53 days before Brexit is due to come into effect, but that’s probably just a big old coincidence.

Many are viewing the post as unnecessary scaremongering, attempting to induce mass panic in a time of great uncertainty, while everyone else is trying to figure out what kind of person is so deeply enthralled by the medium of radio that they simply must have one in their emergency backpack, surplus to a phone charger that will recharge a mobile with radio capabilities as well.

The items are questionable at best. They make sense, but so does the pythagorean theorem, allegedly.

Surely there’s room in that suspiciously 2D bag for a few more essentials.

Allow me to elaborate.


In the event of an emergency, it’s important to remain calm and think practical thoughts. It has been scientifically proven that Tamagotchi owners who purposely killed their digital pets are more likely to grow up to be cold-blooded killers than those who didn’t. By having a Tamagotchi in your grab bag, you can train yourself to kill and feel safe in the knowledge that if the time comes, you will be able to take another life so that you can fit onto the squashed spaceship that will take us all to safety on another planet.

Adult Scooter

During apocalyptic times, transport is key. You need to move fast and without a trace. Should predators attack, you need to be able to get to a safe place quickly and quietly. As we know, adult scooter users are some of the most insufferable people known to man. They’re braggy, they have too much money and they lowkey consider themselves to be athletes of the road. If you can convince people that you are an adult scooter user, you will isolate yourself from the group, thereby eliminating the risk of letting love or friendship get in your way of surviving.


When you escape the city by foot, you’re going to move northwards until you reach any traces of human life. Inevitably, the Scottish border is going to come into focus at some point if you hike for long enough. The relevant security personnel will demand proof that you belong in their country. Given that your passport will essentially be useless at this stage, an indisputable sign of patriotism is key. Enter: the national instrument of Scotland. Convince the locals to accept you into their community by being equally as shit at playing the bagpipes as they are.

Framed Photograph of Mr. Blobby

Just nice to have a memory of your loved ones with you at all times, really.

John Oliver

To date, nobody has better explained Brexit with the right amount of information and whimsy as John Oliver. His tireless devotion to being a funny man even when delivering bad news is inspirational. Therefore, having John Oliver with you during some kind of national emergency is key. He will let you know that an asteroid is about to strike earth, then give some very funny asteroid facts right up until the moment that all of humanity is obliterated in one fell swoop. Frankly, there is no better way to die, last week or tonight.

Magic Beans (2-3)

No fewer than two and no more than three magic beans are all that stand between you and safety during times of great danger. Simply plant the beans, water them, ensure that they have enough soil coverage and sunlight, then sit back and watch them grow. Before long, your beanstalk will reach all the way up the sky. You must then climb the beanstalk, kicking off anyone that tries to follow because they didn’t contribute to the cost of the beans and rules are rules. When you reach the top, you must wait for the giant to fall asleep and then steal all of his belongings. Then you can return to what’s left of earth with loads of giant stuff. People will fear you. Ovie from Love Island won’t be that impressed. Regardless, you will become the supreme ruler and reign forevermore.

EU Flag (lol)

Some say that a map is an important survival tool, but nobody knows how to read them since Google Maps came along. An EU flag will come in handy if a tsunami washes you away to a foreign land. Using the flag to communicate, the natives will help you to find your way home to the European Union headquarters in Brussels. When you reach the building, tired and desperate to find a way home, Donald Tusk will look you dead in the eyes and say ‘Brexit means Brexit’, slamming the door and allowing you to catch a glimpse of his Boris dart board hanging in the hallway. Still, it’s nice to see a different country every once and a while, really immerse yourself in the culture and all that.

Strawberry Frube

Sustenance is key when you’re in an emergency situation, and there is no greater source of physical and emotional strength than a lukewarm strawberry Frube. Its compact shape means the Frube will fit snugly into any backpack, although it does run the risk of leaking over John Oliver, but that is a sacrifice that must be made in such uncertain times. The Frube can also double up as an airbed for a pet spider, or a splint for a cat in the case of a broken leg being sustained. Failing that, you can simply eat the Frube and feel a glimmer of hope as its delicious liquid yoghurt texture slides down your throat.

Live Footage of Kay Burley

The original #GrabBag infographic suggests packing a radio, but they can be clunky and some stations tend to play absolute dog shit music. In an emergency, we deserve better. Simply pack an entire TV complete with a power source and satellite dish so that Sky News’ rolling coverage of the apocalypse can be consumed with great ease. Feel comforted by the sight of Kay Burley standing in front of devastated lands, surrounded by wildfire as she informs us that the Royals are “said to be unharmed at present” while the rest of us perish in the end of the world. Bliss.

Micro Pig

It’s essential that you keep a miniature pig in your emergency backpack at all times to ensure that you are fully prepared for whatever comes your way. A micro pig will keep your spirits up as you bargain with a contrary neighbour to allow you into their underground bunker, while also serving as a timely reminder that anything that has happened after 21st September 2015, Brexit included, has merely been a distraction from the fact that former Prime Minister David Cameron fucked a pig. It’s important to remember that, even while the world is ending.