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24th September 2019
05:11pm BST
Jennifer Lawrence has a net worth of $130 million and could probably get a free pair of AirPods if she simply referenced them in her next movie or was photographed using satan's asshole of products (wired headphones) out and about on her next excursion. She's got the kind of influence that makes her a goldmine for companies trying to flog overpriced nonsense. I cannot, in good faith, believe that Jennifer Lawrence, Academy Award winning actress Jennifer Lawrence, can't afford $159 for a pair of AirPods. This requested wedding gift is sinister. Being married means listening to each other, not drowning out the sound of your spouse with the dulcet sound of Smooth by Santana featuring Rob Thomas. I am confused.
Weighted(!) Blanket - $249
In an extremely multi-millionaire move, Jennifer Lawrence would like the attendees of her wedding to fight over having the privilege of gifting her a heavy blanket. What luck, you can choose from 15lb, 20lb or 25lb blankies, so technically three people can part ways with one quarter of $1,000 to prove their investment in this marriage. Imagine casually chatting among the other wedding guests at the afterparty. "I got them some Waterford Crystal", a member of the X-Men franchise boasts. "Cool, well I got them a weighted blanket. You see, it provides the sensation of a blanket without the actual heat of it", you respond. "Oh right, nice", Wolverine says as he uses his big claws to slice the wedding cake, "I just signed a card". Baller.
Tray - $40
What wedding gift do you get the person that has everything? A tray, you big idiot, so they will have something to carry all of their stuff on. I'm not sure how Hollywood works, but in my mind, actors get paid with giant briefcases full of cash, which they store in a big safe in their house until they have time to get to the bank. Jennifer Lawrence needs a tray to carry her money, but isn't willing to part ways with a tiny portion of that money to pay for said tray. That's where you come in, wedding guest. Buy the happy couple a tray so that they can use it to transport money or various items around the house. It comes in seven different colours and is available to buy both new and used. Also, while I've got you, the planet is dying :)
One singular tumbler - $19
The Oxford Dictionary describes marriage as 'The legal union of two people as partners in a personal relationship', while Amazon describes the Nachtmann Highland Tumbler as 'Amber', presumably pertaining to its colour. Does a more selfish wedding gift request exist than one singular tumbler? Enjoy wedded bliss together while you take turns sipping some form of alcohol out of a glass that looks very heavy and probably isn't dishwasher safe - it comes in five exciting colours! I hate to cast doubt on the trajectory of this relationship, but most problems start to set in around the time when one of them buys single items such as one cutlery set or a bunkbed. Prove me wrong, please.
4-in-1 adapter - $25
£20 for an adapter! Jennifer Lawrence wants you to pay airport prices from the comfort of your own home. Jennifer Lawrence, global superstar Jennifer Lawrence, wants us to believe that she doesn't own a travel adaptor already? One that comes in a colourful design with four plugs contained in the one adaptor, giving you electrical access to 150 countries? I smell a rat. This is quite literally about power. Jennifer Lawrence wants every wedding guest and fan to buy her a travel adaptor, thereby creating a worldwide shortage. Devices will go uncharged, people won't be unable to use map apps abroad and everyone will get lost. Lawrence will play the lead role in a movie about this universal tragedy and AC/DC will provide the soundtrack, obviously.
A GoPro - $313
Right, this is no longer even remotely a wedding registry, this is a child's letter to Santa in which they attempt to bankrupt their parents and obtain a load of material possessions they want but will never use. What use does Jennifer Lawrence possibly have for a very small camera? She spends her entire working day in front of a camera, and you're telling me she would like her own miniature version of that to document her every move? The Daily Mail do that for her for free. This is an unnecessary request. The main point of a camera is to take photographs of yourself from every angle to see what you look like to strangers, but Jennifer Lawrence should already know that by now because she is in many, many movies. Cross this one off the list.
iRobot Mop - $449
A robot mop? Now we're talking. This perfectly encapsulates the very concept of a wedding registry. The attendees are getting a free dinner and precisely two glasses of wine at your expense, so they better believe that a stupidly expensive gift needs to be bought in exchange for this pleasure. We're roughly 5-10 working years away from robots taking over and killing us all, so we might as well just lean into it at this point. If robots want to gain our trust by doing various household chores such as mopping the floor, I say we let them, and so does Jennifer Lawrence. If you're going to her wedding, get the girl a robot mop. Get her two, as well as a Roomba, don't be stingy.
11-piece fondue set - $113
Who knew a fondue set could have eleven pieces? Jennifer Lawrence, and Jennifer Lawrence only. She craves the unbridled high that comes with the gentle structure of melting cheese in a specialised vessel, either alone or with party guests. A wedding is the perfect time to get things that you can't quite justifying buying yourself, such as a husband! J-Law might even put chocolate in the fondue set depending on her mood. That's none of your business. All you need to do is part ways with £90 so that a famous Hollywood actress can melt an obscene amount of cheese in a socially-acceptable manner. Perhaps it's in preparation for her next role - Fondue You Take This Man To Be Your Lawful Wedded Husband?
Marble cheese slicer - $15.99
Wow, you eat your cheese in slice form rather than intermittently gnawing at the whole block? Wow, we get it, you're rich. Jennifer Lawrence has an Oscar. That brings with it a certain type of lifestyle that mainly consists of delicately slicing your own cheese atop a marble surface. Frankly, the wedding register is quite cheese-heavy between the fondue set, cheese slicer and literal block of cheese she's requesting, but we have to admire it. Imagine you're planning a wedding and a close friend texts asking what you'd like for a gift. Rather than politely saying "Oh don't be silly, your presence is enough of a present ;)", you text back with "Cheese, just anything to do with cheese". They're not sure if you're joking or not, but if they're a true friend, they'll know.
Table and chairs - $150
When you get married, everything changes. Legally, you are now allowed to sit beside a table together, so it makes perfect sense that Jennifer Lawrence is wasting no time in eyeing up a sweet turquoise set of a table and two chairs made from what appears to be quite a thick coat hanger. She will enjoy wedded bliss, sitting poolside eating cheese (lol relatable) and pondering the complexities of space travel. Minor query, but how will the wedding guest transport the table and chairs to the wedding? Never mind. Another one, if there's a shortage of furniture at the ceremony, can they open this specific present early and start using it? Ignore me. Final question, can't Jennifer Lawrence, with a net worth of $130 million buy her own table and chairs?
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