Britain is a soggy mess of a country. It’s no surprise that some Brits decide to up sticks and head to Australia.
Perhaps you too have thought about carting your arse down to the southern hemisphere and making a new life for yourself down under. We can’t blame you if you have, but before you book your tickets, there’s a few things you should know about Australia.
1. First thing to know: they don’t beat around the bush in Australia
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2. Check your shoes. Always check your shoes
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Fuuuuuuck that.
3. Aussies like their beer cold. How cold?
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4. They don’t have time for whingers and whiners
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5. And they don’t take any nonsense from anyone
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You’re not fooling anyone.
6. Everything wants to kill you in Australia
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7. Or at least steal your lunch
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8. They even warn you about it as soon as you get off the bloody plane
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“Hi, welcome to Australia. Basically, death is lurking around every corner. Have fun!”
9. But at least you won’t be killed in a volcanic eruption
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Well, great. Just got to look out for all the other deadly shit now.
10. It’s goddamn hot in Australia
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11. But if something should happen to your thongs*, they’re always available
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*That’s what they call flip-flops, if you didn’t already know, so don’t be walking around with knickers on your feet. Unless that’s what you’re into, in which case fill your boots, son
12. The locals are pretty chilled
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13. Until they get pissed off
Note: Don’t fuck with kangaroos, because they will fuck you up.
14. If you love keeping up to date with the latest movies, TV shows and general cultural happenings, tough
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Australia is pretty much the last place on earth to get new releases. Is it because Australia is literally the last place on earth? Possibly.
15. They have as much love and respect for The Queen as we do
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Which is why, if you fold a $5 note in the right way, you can make The Queen look like a dick-sucking whale. And a sad dick-sucking whale at that.
16. ‘Cunt’ is still an offensive word, but it’s used a lot more casually in Australia
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Short people need bacon too. There’s no need to be rude about it.
17. They love a good pun, the Aussies
18. No, they really love a good pun
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19. Christmas is in the summertime there, but other than that it’s basically the same. More or less, anyway
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20. Basically, this is Australia:
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21. But really, it’s not so different from Britain
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But before we head down there, there’s one issue that still needs to be resolved
