These are the top HABs (Husbands and Boyfriends) at the 2019 World Cup
There's a whole host of talent watching from the stands at the World Cup this summer
So the 2019 World Cup is finally here and with all the action that comes on the pitch, in the form of the incredible footballing talent on show, is all of the action that comes off it. If you know what I mean. Which you definitely do. ;). Am I right? ;).
As tabloids like The Sun, The Mirror and Daily Mail are too busy prioritising serious journalism to ever cover something as fundamentally vacuous and morally bankrupt as this, I'd thought I'd take it upon myself to bring you the hunkiest husbands and beefcakeyist boyfriends that you will no doubt be dying to see plucked out of the crowd by the horny camera operators as the tournament progresses.
Thankfully for us, the respective managers of the teams competing for this year's trophy HAVE allowed the HABs to come and watch the games in France (take note Mr Capello), even as their presence is often deemed by supporters to be an UNWANTED DISTRACTION and, in some extreme cases, the SINGLE overriding CAUSE of a team's FAILURE to lift the trophy.
I can only speak for myself, but I'm all for these loving husbands and boyfriend being granted permission to come and support their better halves as they shine on the greatest stage of all. Especially if they're FIT. Lol.
Without further ado, here they are, in no particular order (because that would obviously be demeaning to these men, rather than just including them in a list based solely on either their looks or the fact that they are married to sporting icons, as though that is their only worth, which isn't demeaning at all): the top HABs of the France 2019 World Cup.
Zach Ertz (Husband of United States midfielder Julie Ertz)
You'll no doubt already be aware of hunky Zach's wife, Julie Ertz, who played in every minute of every game at the 2015 tournament as the USA emerged victorious.
Interestingly enough, though, Zach isn't just easy on the eyes. Oh no, he is a talented athlete in his own right. Who would have thought it just looking at him?
Ertz must love it that Zach has found success in his own field, too, after he won the Super Bowl as a tight end for the Philadelphia Eagles at Super Bowl LII, where, of course, the former USWNT Player of the Year took the time out from her busy schedule to cheer him on.
Ertz met Zach at a Stanford baseball game and wedded him just off the coast of Santa Barbara, California in 2018. The steaming hot slice of man pie will no doubt be excited to cheer on Ertz as she fights for another World Cup title and we'll just be excited to see him scrub up like this again if she goes and wins the damn thing again. ;). :p.
Jonny Marsh (Boyfriend of Scotland forward Claire Emslie)
Watch out Emslie, we might just steal this hunky chef boyfriend of yours for ourselves unless you put a ring on it soon. ;)
Jonny is a talented private chef who prepares meals for the likes of Manchester City men's players İlkay Gündoğan and Kevin De Bruyne. But be careful with those knives, Jonny! Hehe.
No, seriously. I'm sure you know what you're doing.
We like a man who is good with his hands as much as the next, er, website satirising the rampant sexism of the British tabloids, but Jonny takes it to a new level.
He must be an absolute joy for Emslie to come home to after a hard day's training, when she can just put her feet up and relax and let her mister look after her.
And then there's the small matter of him looking like this:
Phwoar. Now that's a HAB if we've ever seen one. He redefines the term 'dishy'.
You get it? Because he's a chef? Because he *creates* *dishes*? And also because he's really really conventionally attractive? ;) ;)
Jack O'Connell (Boyfriend of England defender Alex Greenwood)
Not much is known about gorgeous Jack, who likes to keep a low-profile without an Instagram or Twitter account. It's a good thing then that Greenwood likes to show him off!
But maybe put your phone down so she can get a nicer pic next time, Jack. Honestly. *eye rolling emoji* *single flame* *aubergine* *laughing crying face*.
As it happens, Jack is a bit of a player himself ( ;) ) and has even won promotion to the men's Premier League this season with Sheffield United men's team as they finished in second place in the men's Championship.
As you can see, Greenwood is extremely proud of her boy toy's achievements in the game, even if she is, herself, a full England international and captain of Manchester United.
Still, we can see why she is with him as he takes the opportunity to flaunt his stunning set of abs whilst the pair were on holiday.
We just hope Greenwood starts banging them in at the World Cup so he has yet another excuse to take that top off. I mean, why even put it on in the first place Jacky boy? ;)
Brian Hollins (Husband of United States captain Carli Lloyd)
Two-time Olympic medallist, two-time FIFA Player of the Year, the only player other than Geoff Hurst to score a hat-trick in a World Cup final... it's hard to know where to start with USA skipper Carli Lloyd.
To date, Lloyd has amassed an incredible 274 caps for the States to go along with the 110 goals she has scored for her country. But what of her little-known husband?
And no, it's not Allen Iverson.
Well, what we do know about Brian is that he likes to spend his time both playing and teaching the sport of golf. But that's only when he isn't draped around the arm of Lloyd as she shows him the high life of red carpets, after parties and snaps with celebrities, of course. :P
The happy couple live in Mount Laurel, New Jersey, after the assistant (to the golf) professional asked for the hand in marriage of one of the greatest football players of all time.
Servando Carrasco (Husband of United States forward Alex Morgan)
Mama mia. United States goal machine Alex Morgan met the stunning brunette Servando whilst the two were both studying at Berkeley, where they both played football.
Despite the more obvious talents of his partner, Servando was brave enough to continue in the game and forge a career of his own - now playing for the LA Galaxy in the MMLS (Men's Major League Soccer).
And judging by how he pulls off this exquisite floral number at a John Mayer gig, we're sure the prolific scorer will be hoping to do just that. ;););).
Born in California, Morgan's mister clearly has an eye for fashion and enjoys dressing up in dashing outfits to accompany her to awards ceremonies
Although we can't be sure that it isn't the USA star pulling all the strings from behind the scenes. Will he look this good without her guiding hand, watching in the crowd as she tears through opposition defences? One can only hope.
Unknown Handsome Presumably French Man (Presumably Boyfriend of France midfielder Amandine Henry)
Again, not much is known about Unknown Handsome Presumably French Man, presumably Amandine Henry's new beau, other than the fact that he is both handsome and French. And we don't even know he is French, we're just guessing. Or that he is even her new boyfriend. But he has appeared on her Instagram twice. That's enough, right? That's enough until we lurk in the rubbish bins beneath her apartment for a few weeks to capture one, single, grainy, nighttime photograph of a man that may or may not be him walking out of the building. The building that contains lots of other flats, any of which the man in question could have been leaving.
Whilst Henry will be locking down opposition midfielders for Les Bleus on their home turf, her (presumed) bit on the side will (presumably) be fixing his handsome, squinty gaze in her general direction.
The presumed loved up couple enjoy long walks out in the snowy tundra, as evidenced by this single photograph cherry-picked from Henry's Instagram page.
We don't know what Unknown Handsome Presumably French Man does for work, but we do know he loves showing off his masculine yet supple physique under thick layers and a heavy duty winter Parka.
He is, however, only in two of the France star's Insta posts, immediately casting doubts on the strength of their relationship even despite the hashtag '#happylife' and the kissy emoji.
Will their rocky patchy last through the tournament? We can't wait to find out.
Vive la France, vive l'amour, vive le football. But most of all, vive bonbons pour les yeux.
Eye candy. That means eye candy. You fucking uncultured swine.