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21st June 2019
11:42am BST
Before you grab your potato pitch fork and arrive at our offices with vengeance on your mind, we are not saying crisps are bad per se. They are just the least good form of potato. They lack the body of the really good potato forms, and have too many variations to be considered one thing. In fact, watch this space for a ranking of crisps. But for now, they sit in last place.
Great when you're a little baby, but when you grow up you realise that they're a bit like mashed potato but not as good, and a bit like chips but not as good either. Their only saving grace is that they can be cooked in the toaster.
Are they bad? No. But they are a bit flavourless as is. They need salt and pepper, and a bit of butter, to get anywhere near Flavourtown. These are the potatoes that Neil Warnock eats every night with an overcooked pork chop. Enough said.
These are slightly different (one is cooked sliced potato and the other is sliced before it's cooked) but they're essentially the same thing: soggy crisps in a pool of cream. They're delicious, but there's better out there.
Baked potatoes have a weirdly inflated reputation in this world of ours. They're considered some sort of treat when in fact they are just potatoes placed in an oven at a high heat, and then covered in beans. They are slow toast, essentially. Overrated.
Tory roast potatoes. Like a regular roast potato but with loads of unnecessary cuts.
Are you pasta or potato? Make your fucking mind up.
An absolute classic, no doubt. Bit of salt and pepper and you're sorted. Goes with absolutely everything - gravy, beans, more gravy - you name it. Nothing but respect for these soft boys.
Rosti is essentially a fancy hash brown. It's grated - like hash browns - but a bit more deconstructed. Has a very high opinion of itself, which downgrades it a touch.
Mashed potato covered in breadcrumbs. Deep fried. A sprinkle of salt. If you're not salivating right now then you're not human. One of the best things about Christmas dinner, croquettes are like a savoury Ferrero Rocher. They make you feel really fancy, and in the end that's the most important thing.
(Image: The Spruce Eats)[/caption]
If you know, you know. If you don't, get yourself to the northwest of Ireland and find out.
(Image: WikiHow)[/caption]
The food that crisps think and wish they were. Crispy, warm and glistening with grease. They are the GOAT snack.
The staple of any good breakfast. Crispy, delicious, processed beyond belief. Great with a burger and with breakfast, great by itself or accompanied by six more hash browns. But enough of this, I'm not here to convince you to like hash browns, that's God's job.
Oh, yes, chips. The great leveller. From the mightiest Pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn’t enjoy a good chip? Absolutely no one on earth, that's who. I can't even begin to tell you how good chips are. They are your favourite food as a child and as you grow you realise that you can eat them at any time of the day, every day. The fact that we prevent ourselves from doing so is the greatest proof of free will that we have.
The only thing better than a chip is a roast potato. It was always going to be this, wasn't it? The ultimate. The roastie combines the best parts of other forms of potato. The crispy exterior of a chip, the fluffy centre of mash, it's all there, wrapped in a golden nugget of flavour.
