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30th Apr 2019

In defence of fanny pack Crocs and all who choose to embrace them

Do it, but for banter

Ciara Knight

Fashion, but make it practical

Ever wanted to feel the warm yet sufficiently aerated comfort of a pair of Crocs, teamed with the portability and reliability of a fanny pack?

Terrific. And boy oh boy have Beams x Crocs got the product for you.

Introducing: Fanny Pack Crocs. Just like regular Crocs, but with fanny packs attached to the straps.

Why do Crocs have straps in the first place? My good dude, shame on your ignorance.

Now the easy option here is to look upon Crocs, hideous as they are, adding fanny packs to their repertoire as yet another atrocity to the senses.

But let’s look beyond the obvious. Let’s think about what these footwear items could do for the world at large.

Banter is one of the founding elements of society that matters more than, in my opinion, literally anything else.

One of the earliest traces of banter was back when Judas kissed Jesus right before he betrayed him. Regardless of what ensued after that single act, it was an incredibly banter thing to do, so banterous that it has trickled down through history books for thousands of years and nestled its way into mainstream culture right up to and including this very day.

Side note: Imagine if the 12 Apostles wore Crocs? Add to that, fanny packs on their Crocs to keep track of their belongings, which likely consisted of precisely nothing. That is undeniably banter.

Basically, banter matters, banter is important. Banter gets us through this hellscape that we call life. Remember school? Which do you remember today – how to conjugate French verbs? Or  that time your classmate said ‘present’ instead of ‘here’ during roll call? Everyone laughed because it was the funniest thing that ever happened.

This summer, your feet are going to get very sweaty. You’ll be tempted to go sockless, but that always results in your shoes getting prematurely smelly.

Sure, you could wear flip flops or sandals, but you’re better than that. We all are.

Now, I’m telling you that there is a third option. You could wear fanny pack Crocs. For banter, but also secretly for practical reasons.

Sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself for banter. The Gods aren’t always providing an endless supply of the stuff, so you have to chip in. Maybe you’ll wear a jazzier than usual ensemble to the club, or put Jack Johnson on the work sound system for a laugh. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as the intentions are pure.

You have it within your power, right now, to be the talking point of summer 2019 with these conversation piece shoes.

Squelch your way across the sticky pub floor with a handful of sparkling cider beverages for the gang. Glide through the supermarket looking for barbecue food. Squeak your way across the altar to give a eulogy, the notes for which you’ve folded tightly and packed into the fanny pack portion of the Crocs.

This isn’t about Crocs anymore, it’s about forging real connections with those around you. Chatting mindlessly about various sporting events or movie releases or throne-related television shows isn’t enough anymore. You need to make memories, not conversations.

Fanny pack Crocs are a talking point, but they’re also a blank canvas for banter. Think of the homemade memes your friends will drop into the group chat, the various news articles about Croc-related sexual escapades your friends will tag you in for years to come, the nicknames (Fanny pack Croc legend, Fanny Pacquiao, Dwayne The Croc Johnson, etc) to be bestowed with.

People are divided into two categories, those that create banter and those that absorb it. Take a proactive approach with fanny pack Crocs. Be the talking point you’ve always wished to be.

Sacrifice your reputation for banter.

Wear fanny pack Crocs.


Images via Beams