Pour one out for our fallen Mel, Sue and Mary.
The contestants for series eight of the Great British Bake Off have been revealed in a bid to distract the nation from the fact that this year’s show is probably going to be the absolute worst.
We’re waving goodbye to Mel, Sue, Mary Berry and ad-free television, then begrudgingly greeting Noel Fielding, Sandi Toksvig and Prue Leith. Oh yeah Hollywood’s still there too.
It’s going to be a difficult watch. I plan on going into it with an open mind, blinded like a foolish romantic who’s been hurt quite badly in the past.
In a bid to distract us from how potentially uncomfortable it’s going to be, let’s take a look at this year’s GBBO contestants’ promo shots and guess their personalities based on no research whatsoever.
Tom
Occupation: Your friend’s friend.
Hobbies: Playing water polo, solving an advanced level Sudoku in under four minutes, reading crime thrillers and tempting himself at the animal shelter every weekend despite his apartment’s strict ‘no pets’ policy.
Baking Specialty: Milk AND white chocolate Rice Krispie buns.
Fun Fact: Tom once shouted at a man for dangerously pulling out in front of him in traffic and that man turned out to be Gareth Gates.
Steven
Occupation: Bond Villain.
Hobbies: Watching Holby City, assembling flatpack furniture for his parents, perfecting his beard trimming technique and using Clubcard points on weekend breaks.
Baking Specialty: Chocolate chip cookies that are still a bit raw in the middle.
Fun Fact: Steven has eleven toes!
Stacey
Occupation: Background Actress.
Hobbies: Reciting the theme to ‘Moonpig.com’ with perfect pitch, having a few cheeky G&Ts with the girls, counting the freckles on her forearms and sending saucy emails to Tom Selleck.
Baking Specialty: 2-minute microwave mug cake.
Interesting Fact: Stacey’s mother is the subject of the song ‘Stacy’s Mom’.
Chuen-Yan
Occupation: Your mum’s friend who always gets your name wrong.
Hobbies: Wearing pastel colours, going for brunch, successfully uncovering secret government activities thereby protecting our nation’s security, shopping around for the cheapest Freddos.
Baking Specialty: Sponge cake (with jam!).
Fun Fact: Yan once went on holidays to Rome and saw a cute little brown dog with stunning blue eyes called Luca.
Liam
Occupation: Being 12 years old.
Hobbies: Colouring, trading Pokémon cards, being allowed to lick the spoon after baking, watching Balamory and bringing Dairylea Lunchables to school.
Baking Specialty: Novelty shaped scones.
Fun Fact: Liam is so young, he doesn’t remember anything above Now That’s What I Call Music 85.
Sophie
Occupation: Fork Model.
Hobbies: Tending to her crisp-dedicated Instagram page, fishing, keeping hair ties around her wrist, smugly smiling and being a spy.
Baking Specialty: Beans on toast.
Fun Fact: Sophie’s real name is Angela, but she changed it because it’s none of your fucking business.
James
Occupation: Full-time banter merchant.
Hobbies: Collecting exotic fish, loudly telling jokes to his friends when there’s an amateur comedian nearby in the hopes of being discovered, faking sports injuries and watching Anne Hathaway’s movies.
Baking Specialty: Baked beans lol.
Fun Fact: James has never been to Scotland.
Julia
Occupation: Shopping Centre Disney Princess.
Hobbies: Rigging the local elections, monopolising the styrofoam market, polishing antiques and Photoshopping herself onto Enid Blyton book covers.
Baking Specialty: Pudding.
Fun Fact: Julia has a pet alligator called Charlie.
Chris
Occupation: Graham Norton Lookalike.
Hobbies: Interviewing famous guests on his couch, writing books, commentating on Eurovision and being a national treasure both in the UK and Ireland.
Baking Specialty: Apple tart.
Fun Fact: Chris won a National Television Award for his show, The Graham Norton Show, earlier this year.
Flo
Occupation: Part-time National Treasure.
Hobbies: Being adorable, having a hot cup of milk before bed, carrying boiled sweets in her handbag, joking that the neighbour should wash her car when he’s finished doing his.
Baking Specialty: Bread.
Fun Fact: Flo is actually short for Floyd Mayweather, but she doesn’t want the confusion of there being two famous Floyd Mayweathers.
Kate
Occupation: Bouncer.
Hobbies: Boxing, getting tattoos, smoking rollies, wearing parkas, holding forks incorrectly and learning Stormzy lyrics off by heart.
Baking Specialty: Baked Alaska.
Fun Fact: Kate once bought two packets of porridge by accident, but instead of returning one, she just kept it in the cupboard as a spare.
Peter
Occupation: Professional Dog Namer.
Hobbies: Playing old jazz records too loud, telling millennials they don’t know how easy they’ve got it, clay pigeon shooting and playing Dance Dance Revolution on the PS One.
Baking Specialty: Profiteroles.
Fun Fact: Peter has a macaron tree in his back garden.
Images via GBBO
