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25th Oct 2018

The Lord of the Rings trilogy is coming to Netflix

Kyle Picknell

One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

Lord of the Rings, maybe the single greatest trilogy of films not named The Godfather, or Toy Story, is coming to Netflix.

That’s right. The fellowship will be coming to your laptop screens and bedroom wall-mounted tv sets on the first of November, right in time for your descent into a relentless hibernation for the winter.

Fuck off all those ‘true crime’ shows based on a podcast, fuck off The Haunted House on the Hill that is Haunted or something. Get back to the good stuff. Get back to watching Lord of the Rings in your pants, with a wizard’s staff made of beer cans. Get back to quoting “Fly, you fools” bang on the money when Gandalf falls into the pit beneath the Bridge of Khazad-dûm with the Balrog. Get back to the mourning Boromir’s death with tears, and several more cold bois.

Get back to watching the battle of Helm’s Deep over and over and over again until you know every single scene better than your own family, the way it was meant to be. The way J.R.R Tolkien intended.

Just because there isn’t much else I need to tell you other than all three of the original Lord of the Rings films are coming to Netflix on the 1st, that’s the 1st of November, here’s an impromptu ranking of all original members of the fellowship. Please do not @ me.

  1. Legolas – all-round badass and handsome man
  2. Aragorn – all-round badass and handsome man, but I prefer blondes
  3. Boromir – tragic hero, gone too soon, will never forget you
  4. Gimli – top bloke, dependable, likes a Guinness
  5. Merry & Pippen – comedy value, mighty craic
  6. Sam – another solid gold lad but likes Frodo a bit too much. Like a suspicious amount
  7. Gandalf the Grey – kinda shitty compared to Gandalf the White actually
  8. Frodo – just a complete waste of time. Just awful. Fuck him.

And to end, here is the best character in the trilogy who isn’t in the fellowship, this guy:

Thank you for your time.