The influencers are finally here to tell us about Chernobyl
Where would we be without influencers?
It might be hard to fathom this in the year of our lord 2019, but there was a time before influencers existed in this world.
There were no Instagram ads, no hashtags informing us that something is a paid promotion, no birds eye shots of a cappuccino and, if we're being brutally honest: no culture.
Before influencers graced us with their presence like some sort of otherworldly benevolent aliens, willing to pass on tips on the best products available to mankind - to even us, the normies - we were lost in this great expanse.
What about restaurants? Those places we have come to enjoy so much. The places that give us food for money and allow us to spend time with those that we love. Forget about it. Before influencers kindly bestowed upon us recommendations of eateries, we were forced to wanders this land searching for rats. No one even knew what a restaurant was, let alone know how to book a table there or take a picture of the food they had procured.
What about foreign countries in which to take a holiday? We all love a holiday now - who wouldn't? - but did you know that before influencers emerged people didn't even know that other countries existed? It sounds strange but it's true. It wasn't until the great enlightenment of the influencer age that we as a population were finally able to open our eyes. Milton Keynes is not the farthest we can dare travel without fear of having our souls stolen, after all. There is a whole continent to our left, and to our right, and above and below us.
We have the influencers to thank for this, as well as the fact that we can now drink detox tea to lose weight rather than just drinking bleach or bottle after bottle of laxative. We have the influencers to thank for this. For all of this.
A vocation is never over though, no matter how much good one does, and that's why the influencers of the world are now travelling to a little known place called Chernobyl to spread the good word once more.
I know what you're thinking: 'Chernobyl? Where or what is that?'
I know because, until today, I felt the same way. The world is a confusing and scary place but that's why the influencers are here: to make it easier.
But it turns out that Chernobyl is a place in Ukraine where, more than 33 years ago, there was a nuclear disaster. On 26 April 1986, the No. 4 nuclear reactor in the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant, near the city of Pripyat, exploded, causing thousands of deaths and affecting the lives of generations to come both in the Soviet Union and elsewhere.
The area itself was quarantined and many who had spent their entire lives there were forced to leave and never return.
This place sounds terrifying. So, why, you may ask, are influencers going to a landscape that is still irradiated and dangerous - a place where so many people died and from which more were forced to flee - and standing around with barely any clothes on?
They're doing it because they know what only the bravest people in history truly knew, that sometimes you need to do what it takes to get the world to pay attention to a tragedy. In years to come, we'll thank them when we look back.
No, no, a bit further back. Yeah, there. And make sure you get it from my good angle. Do you think the radiation suit looks better draped over one arsecheek or both? One? Ok, let's try it that way. Can you wipe this bus down before I lean on it? It looks gross.