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14th Nov 2018

Predicting the winner of I’m A Celeb 2018 based solely on their promo photographs

Should've just called it 'Get Me Out Of Here', tbh

Ciara Knight

– In partnership with Lottoland –

Should’ve just called it ‘Get Me Out Of Here’, tbh

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Clasp your hands together in delight and kiss a baby because the lineup for I’m A Celeb 2018 has been announced.

Finally, the nation’s collective dreams of seeing Harry Redknapp cautiously bathing in a murky lake beside the Governess from The Chase in the middle of the Australian outback can become a reality.

Rather than waiting for the whole series to play out, why don’t we transcend time and space by figuring out who the winner is going to be right now?

For the purposes of our highly scientific analysis, their fate lies exclusively in the supremely awkward promo photographs these celebrities posed for mere days ago.

Now then, let’s prematurely crown our I’m A Celeb 2018 winner.

10. Harry Redknapp

Your Dad’s stood patiently waiting for the salesman to come over and give him a hand in B&Q. He’s been waiting for ten minutes, but understands that it’s a busy time of year for the staff, and that they’ve got all manner of morons in looking for the right tools to fix their garden shed installation out in the back garden. His reliable approach is to stand determinedly in front of the exact product he needs assistance with, while maintaining firm eye contact with the salesman, smiling expectantly every time they exchange a glance. He might even whistle to keep himself occupied until the guy becomes free.

Basically, Harry Redknapp has set himself up for failure with this promotional photograph. Look at his hands, idly resting in his pockets. This is the stance of a man that’s not going to be a team player. He won’t pitch in with sweeping the camp, tending to the fire, collecting wood and he most certainly will not be emptying the dunny. He’s smiling. This is all just game to Harry. He’s going to be the manager of his fellow campmates, the team he’s going to confidently lead to relegation. The man is 71 years old, he will be stood with his hands in his pockets the entire time, complaining about the inefficiency of the queueing system in Argos and other pressing issues with today’s modern world.

9. Anne Hegerty

Your maths teacher saw you sneaking in through the back door as she was writing today’s assignment on the board. She’s waited for you to get settled, coat off and everything, but now she’s ready to explode. Rather than simply reprimanding you for tardiness, she wants a full explanation as to why your pathetic little lump of a body was 15 (fifteen) minutes late to class. Go on, tell her that you burnt your tongue on a takeaway coffee and had to go to the nurse’s station for sympathy because your Mum wasn’t answering her phone and you panicked. You’re pathetic. Get out of here at once.

As we can see, The Governess came here to govern and tell you about the importance of punctuality, and she’s just spent twelve minutes explaining that although time is a social construct, we must conform to it if we want to succeed. Anne’s daring you to vote her off in the above image. She’s getting her bread either way, buttered or not. She doesn’t even need the exposure, The Chase will still be there when she gets back to the familiar comfort of English soil. Go on, put her up for a Bushtucker trial. She’s slipping out early to get home in time for the Corrie omnibus next Sunday.

8. James McVey

Sweet, this skydiving instructor’s overly familiar patter and chill attitude is reassuring and definitely means that nothing can possibly go wrong. He’s even chewing gum! People don’t chew gum before they send you plunging to your untimely death, that’s just not how these things work. It felt a little strange after the mandatory instructional video finished, when he handed out 2 for 1 drinks vouchers for a bar in town that his mates own, but maybe that’s just part of the service. Also, his joke about not needing to wear a parachute if you’re brave enough was a little off colour. Perhaps today is indeed the day that we are all going to die.

Ergo, James is a CoOl DuDe, this is abundantly evident in his stance pictured above. He’s playfully resting one leg on a prop bed, his thumb protrudes from his pocket and he’s rolled up his sleeves to expose a tattoo. As we all know, you cannot receive a tattoo unless you are incredibly tough, so that answers that question about James. But look at his left hand, he’s making the internationally recognised symbol to represent Italian culture. ITV, check his bags. He’s got contraband spaghetti on board. Give that boy an early elimination and a stern talking to.

7. Rita Simons

Your mate got a new pair of hiking boots and now she’s dragged you halfway up a mountain so that she can get a flawless backdrop for her latest Instagram. So far, you’ve taken 79 photographs in a variety of both portrait and landscape mode, and show no signs of stopping thanks to her insistence for perfection. It’s not even worth the reward, which will garner a measly 12 likes and a spam comment requesting a follow back. She’ll even tag the shop where she bought the boots as if they’re going to give her a boot modelling gig on the spot. This is hell.

Rita is far too well kept for the jungle. She’s a glam gal, one whose hair has somehow turned pink like a unicorn’s mane at a gender reveal baby shower. Rita will struggle to truly care about the demands of the jungle, opting to take continuous naps just to pass the time away. Her uncle is Lord Sugar, obviously she’s going to want to know how The Apprentice is progressing throughout this series. Rita won’t last. She has other things to do, such as rolling up her shorts for fashion reasons and finding out who her uncle’s new business partner will be.

6. Nick Knowles

This shopping centre Santa has put his own personal spin to the traditional outfit and that’s refreshing to see. He could’ve informed the other workers down at the grotto, but not to worry. Your little nephew is going to love it. It’s his first time meeting Santa Claus, so this is a truly special moment. Santa picks him up to sit on his knee, having to explain that he is indeed Santa Claus despite not having the beard, glasses, hat or proper suit. Also he smells of cigarettes because he was allegedly standing near a smoker at the bus stop. “Anyway, what DIY advice do you want for Christmas, kid?”

Although you’d expect Nick to be handy around camp, fashioning beds and chairs out of fire wood, it’s going to transpire that his carpentry skills are less than desirable for the environment at hand. Nick Knowles is going to reveal himself to be a fraud as his fellow celebrities try to take advantage of his alleged expertise. Anne will ask for advice on how best to decorate a statement wall in her kitchen, at which point it will become clear that Nick has no clue about DIY. It was all a ruse. He blagged his way to stardom, he’d been using Wikipedia the whole time. He played us, Britain. He played us all.

5. Emily Atack

This friendly receptionist is more than happy to check you into the hotel early, but unfortunately has to make you aware that there’s a £25 charge for the inconvenience. If you want, you can wait in the hotel lobby for three hours, or part ways with precisely half a £50 note for the privilege of being able to get rid of your bags and get a quick shower in the room that you have already paid full price for. She’s adamant that this fee is listed in their terms and conditions, which you absolutely didn’t read because you’re not a square. If you’d like to move away from the desk while you make your decision, there’s a queue of people forming that aren’t afraid to spend £25 on luxury. Thanks.

Emily is somewhat threatening in the above image, which means she’s going to go far in the competition. That’s the face of someone who practices mind control, to varying degrees of success. As long as her strength stays up, Emily’s going to have the other celebrities in the palm of her hands, tenderly massaging coconut oil into them so they don’t dry out in the jungle. Unfortunately, her special powers won’t stretch as far as the UK, getting scattered through television signals and ruining her plans to rig the votes. Rumour has it that a similar situation resulted in Brexit passing, but that’s just unproven speculation at present.

4. Sair Khan

Ugh, you’ve just arrived for prinks and your mate’s cousin is there again. She’s not a bad person all the time, just really annoying when she gets drunk. Last time she kept calling you the wrong name and then launching into lectures about the importance of stretching before you take part in any physical activity whatsoever. “Don’t end up like me…” she said, “Can’t run for longer than 10 minutes without my knee giving way. Could’ve been in the Olympics if it wasn’t for my own stupidity. Typical me, always getting in my own way”. “Oh right, cool”, you respond, as the evening from hell descends further and further into the pits of Satan’s lair.

Sair looks way too comfortable sitting down like that. She’s complacent. While the other celebrities are off doing Bushtucker trials and daily chores, Sair will slip under the radar and somehow end up getting very far into the competition. Look at her posture, that’s a very straight back which is a sure sign of a prankster. There’ll be spiders in sleeping bags, vodka in water bottles, maybe even a few third degree burns from the fire exploding thanks to the addition of some Pop Rocks. This girl is trouble. She’s going to keep us entertained, but at a cost.

3. Malique Thompson-Dwyer

Not sure about this one-man show, but we’re on an all-inclusive cruise holiday so it’s to be expected really. This guy looks like every member of JLS morphed into one, so it’s only fitting that he performs their hit song (singular) on the first night of the trip, then spends the rest of the cruise mooching around the ship letting people know that he had a solo line in Band Aid 20 (despite being 6 years old when it was recorded). Luckily the WiFi prevents anyone from verifying this claim and he laps up his three-week stint as a fraudulent minor celebrity, taking selfies with anyone that will allow him to.

Essentially, Malique seems equipped to handle the demands of jungle life in this photograph. He looks strong, capable and definitely not afraid of spiders. He’ll pitch in with the day-to-day running of the place, but it’s the diary room where he’ll unravel. His heart won’t be in the I’m A Celeb experience, it will be back home on the Hollyoaks set, or failing that, at an audition for Love Island 2019 depending on the producers’ uptake with his application form that he submitted the day before he left for Australia. Either way, he’s going to get to 100k Instagram followers by 2020.

2. John Barrowman

Credit where it’s due, this tour guide is giving an incredibly thorough rundown of what life working in a zoo is like. He’s been incredibly hands-on, even going so far as to lift tiny children up against the glass to they can see over the safety barrier. It wasn’t entirely necessary for him to pop his head inside that crocodile’s mouth as it was yawning, but we all got some excellent photographs out of it. He’s in a better place now. The ambulance got here impressively quickly, so he’ll be back on his foot in no time. Heads are overrated anyway. You can live a long and fulfilling life without them, according to science.

Barrowman is overcompensating in this promotional photograph. The assertive foot placed upon the fallen log suggests that he’s just chopped a tree down for firewood, but he hasn’t. There’s no axe nearby. The man is a fraud. He hasn’t even broken a sweat. We’re being lied to. His right hand is searching for something in his pocket. John has contraband on his person. He’s going to sneak in a sonic screwdriver. The producers will have no choice but to send him home before the final, crownless but proud of his ability to sneak a multifunctional tool in the jungle without anyone noticing.

1. Fleur East

This doctor seems really friendly and nice, I bet she’s even going to warm her hands before she checks if my pesky tonsils are swollen again. Seems a bit strange that she’s sitting on the examination table though, don’t they usually sit the patients there? Wait a second. This isn’t a legitimate doctor’s surgery, there’s studio lights and a camera crew. Hang on, this is an advert for affordable life insurance. I don’t want to renew my policy, lady, I just want to get some antibiotics and be on my merry way. How dare you trick me. How very, very dare you. You’ve fooled us all.

Fleur is demonstrating her ease with I’m A Celeb in the above image. Nothing’s going to phase her. She’s relaxed, placing a playful hand upon the bed that is made out of twigs and a wrinkled sheet. Her legs are crossed. You don’t cross your legs when you’re on a plane that’s plummeting to the ground, you brace for impact. Fleur is confident beyond belief. She’ll eat a kangaroo testicle, she’ll even ask for seconds. Her smile won’t fade when she’s starving, craving something other than rice and beans. She will thrive off their delicious protein properties. Fleur is going to win I’m A Celeb 2018 and steal Barrowman’s sonic screwdriver to go back in time to win X Factor, snatching it from the undeserving claws of Ben Haenow. At long last, justice will be served.

Images via ITV