Phil Schofield and Holly Willoughby unveil their own swimsuits on This Morning 4 years ago

Phil Schofield and Holly Willoughby unveil their own swimsuits on This Morning

First, the originals designed for the Royal Wedding, presented with comment:

Right, that's us extinction-ready.


Prince Harry is a prince. This is Prince Harry, who is a prince. Look. That's him. That's him there. With that facial expression. What is his facial expression saying to you, I wonder? What is that face saying?  Is it saying "I can see you've got a bowl of dirty fries there, gimme some"?


Is it looking at you from across the bar, tweed jacket and polo, waiting to come over and tell you about his square acreage?

It is a bit, but not completely. Is it in fact saying, "My face is plastered upon a human body, stretched and bulged to the limit, my little hairy ginger chin is covering somebody's actual pubis, my big schnozz looks like something else entirely, please god help me"?

Is that what it is saying to you? That's what it's saying to me. That's what it is screaming out to me. That's what Prince Harry's pixelated face, rubberised, splashed across a naked human torso is saying to me as I look at him, cold and dead behind the eyes, forehead like a canyon, pasty pink in the sunlight.


Like Medusa, I cannot look away.

Holly and Phil did their own on This Morning and managed to do it properly. This is branded merchandise that works, Kensington Palace please do take note. Phil Schofield's head placement? Perfect. He looks like the happiest bobbly head man to ever live. The crossed arm pose? Authoritative yet respectful, like David Attenborough. This is how it should look Hazza. This is how it should be.

One more time please, DJ:


Opening Spring/Summer 18 it's the Phil Schofield swimsuit! £8 from Primark! Presumably! Get yours now! Wear it to the beach, to the pool, to the park. Wear it under your wedding dress, to your honeymoon in Bardbados, to your next funeral. Wear it until one by one your atoms fade into moonlight. Wear it forever.