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12th May 2017
07:29pm BST

Our national pride hangs in the balance, too. It's hanging inches from the ground, yes, but it's hanging nonetheless.
You've got to half-heartedly cheer on the UK entry as they dangle over the precipice, staring into the void of nul points. Nothing brings the country together more than when the rest of Europe gangs up on us in the voting; this year there's a very good chance we'll actually end up with minus points, and it will be glorious.
If you watched the 2016 Eurovision, you'll have noticed there something different about last year's show: it was actually not bad.
They've polished it up, stopped entering novelty songs (mostly, there'll always be room for lederhosen and ice-skating violinists) and brought in a kind of halftime show: Justin Timberlake performed and gave the whole thing a sheen of semi-professionalism.
Even the country-by-country announcement of points has been sharpened up - now it only takes six hours instead of nine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAh9NRGNhUU
Eurovision doesn't need defending, though. Any contest that has the good sense to crown four dudes in monster make-up singing 'Hard Rock Hallelujah' winner is beyond reproach. The result of this poll says more about the people voting than Eurovision itself.
Honestly, how much of a dullard do you have to be to actively want Britain to pull out of Eurovision? Does the idea of spending a couple of hours watching people sing songs, dance around and make endearingly shit international banter make your stomach churn that much? You should see a doctor, it sounds unpleasant.
Unless there's some kind of familial hostage situation going on in your living room, no one's forcing you to watch it, so why don't you piss off down to the shed and get your knickers out of their perennial twist while everyone else has a good time.Explore more on these topics:

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