Matt Berry! Actor, comedian, writer, musician, Bafta-winner and all-round nice guy with the beard and the booming voice is JOE’s new Agony Uncle.
Need advice on male problems delivered direct and to the heart? Just email your issue to hello@JOE.co.uk and Matt will answer the best letters.
Here is his first instalment on alcoholism, flesh, tax fraud and beards that refuse to grow…
Dear Matt,
Ever since the sunshine has returned I feel myself being forever distracted by the constant barrage of flesh on show. Whether it’s the flash of a svelte ankle or the creamy uppers of a woman’s arm I find that I can no longer concentrate on my daily work. Can you suggest any tips for focusing my attention on something less carnal? Religion? Cold showers? Chemical castration?
Dean, Glasgow
Dear Dean,
I hear your headache. The most important thing you need to think about when faced with these situations is to never, ever look like dribbler. I understand that there are times when it’s impossible not to feast, but you also need to remember how you, yourself might be looking.
If she walks past and you’re almost breaking your back, rubber necking, with your tongue hanging out like a mini cab driver then I can’t help you. Also, be content with the front view and try (as impossible as it might be) to avoid turning to check out her arse. Everyone (including her) notices you doing this. I think It’s impossible to be subtle when properly checking someone out while on the move.
I suppose all I’m saying here is, if you’re going to do it, be stealth and clever and never forget your sunglasses. In addition, don’t try any of this if you’re with your girlfriend. I have foolishly made this mistake a few times with previous girlfriends and quite rightly come a cropper.
Another reason not to to perv at other women while accompanied with your girlfriend is that your girlfriend may spot you doing this, and before dealing with you, she may shoot a filthy look at the girl you’ve been eyeing, who in turn takes exception to this and then… I need not continue.
Dear Matt,
I let my father handle all my contracts and now I’ve wound up in court on tax fraud charges. What should I do?
Lionel, 27, Barcelona
Dear Lionel,
You’ve been served a sh*t portion, Lionel. You’re in strife with the taxman, and it’s due to the actions of your father. I don’t know how close you are to your father but I can’t believe you were unaware of his shady, dodgy, underhanded, criminal activities. It’s likely you’ll go to prison I’m afraid.
This is due to it being tax fraud. And also, since that bloke from Take That waltzed off scot-free after never paying a penny of the money he often asked everyone else to donate to various charities, no one is safe.
They (taxmen) aren’t giving anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore (due to the Take That man) so, though your excuse is pretty good, I don’t reckon it will hold water when you’re gripping the oak. I’ve heard it (prison) can be a good place to concentrate. You might surface on the other side having learnt a language or be able to play the ukulele? Either way Lionel, keep your chin up… and your back.
Dear Matt,
You have managed to grow a fine beard, one to be proud of, but one which makes me insanely jealous. I’m only able to grow a wispy, pubic covering. What tips can you give me to hopefully improve my chances of a finer thatch?
Steve, Lincoln
Dear Steve,
I’ll be straight Steve, it’s genetics. If you’re short of the specific numbers then there ain’t a hell of a lot you can damn well do about it. I would have liked to have been a high diver. My diving skills were very good but I was scared of heights so that put the kibosh on that.
Make use with what you can grow. Could be worse, I’ve spoken to some fellas who can’t grow anything. Some don’t care though. The more metrosexual, tanning shop men amongst you will view any body hair, facial or otherwise, as a nuisance.
For what it’s worth, as long as you have hair on your head then the wispy Jesus look can look good. Look at Robert Powell or Peter Green? They both looked the bee’s knees with their religious wisps. Now off you go and stride with purpose.
Dear Matt,
I probably have two or three big nights a week but also have a couple on the days between at home, I think I’m a borderline alcoholic – or is this normal?
James, Hull
Dear James,
I don’t know how old you are so obviously my answers would differ if you were 15 or 65. If you are a teenager then three large sessions a week and beers on the way home might get you in hot water with your mum and dad.
Let’s assume you’re between 25 and 50. Three big sessions a week plus a couple after work could be considered excessive but all this depends on your marital status and job. If you are a roadie for Lemmy and are single then I’d say that your behaviour, in context, sounds cautious.
If you get the train from Bedford to work in London every day with a wife and two kids at home then I’d say you were taking the p*ss and are bordering on alcoholism. From what I’ve heard, you know you’re in trouble if you really cannot think of anything else and cannot imagine going without. That may sound as simplistic as it gets but it’s to the point and it’s all I gots.
