JOE Agony Uncle Matt Berry answers your most pressing problems... 6 years ago

JOE Agony Uncle Matt Berry answers your most pressing problems...

Worried about ageing? Maybe your partner has found your porn stash? What if your boss is a pillock? JOE Agony Uncle Matt Berry has the perfect advice.

If you have an issue you'd like Uncle Matt to help with email [email protected].

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Dear Uncle Matt, 

I'm 39 and getting quite conscious about ageing. It seems in the last year I suddenly look really old. I think my face could do with an iron so I'm now contemplating botox. When I say contemplating, I mean it in the most general terms as I think it looks very unnatural on men. What do you reckon?

Jon, Kent

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Jon, are you f***ing serious? What are you doing all day? If you had something worthwhile, or something you found interesting to do, then I'm guessing this surface-level vanity sh*t wouldn't even cross your mind.

You're a 39-year-old man and you're asking me if Botox, for yourself, is an option? You need to excuse me if my response reads harsh but I'm afraid it's pretty much what you deserve.

There are plenty of charitable organisations that could use the help of a normal, healthy 39-year-old. Anything (within reason) to stop you from contemplating your own (imaginary) ageing face will be a better use of your time I reckon.

I saw a program recently about skint youngsters in Wales who didn't have jobs, so they spent all day either in gyms, or on tanning beds, or having their hair done ready for the weekend. Young men and women. I had never seen such a display of self-centred, preening, shallow, shower of selfish s**t-house behaviour in a long while.

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I know part of being young is being selfish, it's the deal, but that bollox took the Garibaldi. Think on Jon, because it sounds like you're boarding a similar bus.

I'm just glad you only told me otherwise it could have been very embarrassing.

honey

Dear Uncle Matt, 

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My girlfriend found some porn on my computer and got really pi**ed off with me. I've tried telling her it has nothing to do with us, nor am I sexually frustrated or not enjoying our sex, but she won't let it go. What else can I try saying to her?

Zac, Hampshire

Now, I'm guessing the porn she discovered was of the straight, vanilla variety and not anything illegal, unsavoury or weird?

If it was indeed porn of the vanilla variety, then I personally don't think you've done anything wrong. All men are very visual, simple and stupid and will always be aroused by sexual imagery corresponding to their personal tastes. It could be large breasts, dark hair or even feet.

Having spoken to a few ole-timers about these matters, I am told the visual enthusiasm doesn't really subside the older you get, so, unless you find a strict religion this 'problem' will probably continue.

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Now it doesn't take as sexpert to work out that your girlfriend, after discovering your porn, feels inadequate and thinks you have gone off her. You need to express very clearly and compassionately (like you said yourself the porn has nothing to do with how you feel about her).

Does she look at porn ever? Is she attracted to sexual images or scenarios separate to yourself and your relationship?

Also, point out that the results of your stroke time are ending up in a tissue and not anywhere life like...

ferrell

Dear Uncle Matt,

I ended up going home with my mate's sister a couple of weeks ago, and I'd like to see her again. Trouble is I know my friend is going to go batsh*t as he's quite protective of her. I'm 31, she is 25. Help me out?

Tim-in-trouble.

Hi Tim. This is always going to be tricky. I wouldn't be too chuffed if anyone I knew socially started making advances towards any of my family.

If you really like her, and she feels the same, then I suppose it is up to you to prove to your mate that you're not going to be a thoughtless bellend and you have her best interests at heart.

If you have her back, and you genuinely want to be with her and couldn't imagine messing her about then your mate will have to respect that and let you both do your thing.

If, however, you do step out of line with her then you better expect f***ing hell from all sides.

jack-nicholsen-nod

Dear Uncle Matt,

I go out drinking with my boss a lot and class him as a friend, but he turns into a prat when he boozes, I'm talking an A-class nob. He becomes very arrogant and condescending towards me and the way he is with women is embarrassing. I'd tell him if he was just a friend, but as he's my boss as well, I'm not sure how to play it?

Sean, West London

Sean, while he's your boss, keep a distance. Mixing that sh*t never works out.

It's idealist nonsense much like those mothers on those morning shows who describe their relationship with their daughters as 'more like sisters' or 'best friends' or 'we go clubbing together and everything' - it's not right.

From what you say he sounds like a pillock and not the kind of prat you wanna be spending time socially with anyway.

zlatan