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12th Mar 2018

Jeremy Kyle takes himself away to his quiet place as huge argument erupts on show

"Will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?"

Kyle Picknell

You ok mate?

The Jeremy Kyle Show went full The Jeremy Kyle Show today, so much so that the presenter had to sit on the floor and take a minute, appearing to drift off to his quiet place and reconsider all the decisions in his life that had led him to this moment.

We can only boldly speculate what exactly it was Jezza had weighing down on him so heavily that he couldn’t even stay on his feet to angrily goad his guests like usual, but it must have been something big. Here are all the things he could have been thinking about:

“But water has no definable shape? It merely fills the vessel it is contained in. What is Del Toro trying to say? Are we as human beings ultimately defined through the conditions we are surrendered to?”

“It’s never explicitly mentioned that Humpty Dumpty was an egg”

“Will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?”

“Peter Crouch has 42 caps for England”

When your McDonald’s order number is 12 and you’re watching 15 go up to collect their food whilst you’re still waiting

“Peter Crouch has scored 22 goals for England”

*watches Mother! once*

*watches James Corden do Carpool Karaoke once*

“She’s right Jeremy. This isn’t me. This isn’t the real me. This is just what the world sees. Don’t let them define you.”

“Maybe I’m never stuck in traffic. Maybe I am the traffic.”

“Kobe Bryant has won as many Oscars as Citizen Kane

“Velcro fasteners are actually a lot more efficient than laces but nobody wears them because of the societal construct of coolness”

“If Mozart were alive today would he be a Soundcloud rapper?”

“Screenplay idea: three siblings are at war and the mum is in the middle.”

“In Smash Mouth’s ‘Allstar’ he sings that he isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. But what would that actually be? A spade? It can’t be. I don’t even know what’s in my shed. Does the gardener bring his own stuff? I have no idea. Note to self: take shed inventory. Possible hedge trimmer theft. ”

“I have never ever seen my own nose. Just its reflection. Sad!”

“Maybe Crufts really isn’t ethically and morally acceptable as an idealistic platform for purebred dogs”

“When was the last time I trimmed my toenails?”

*when you realise the day spa voucher you got for Christmas has already expired*


If you wondering what happened on the show then, I don’t know, maybe Google it or something? Just poverty porn, isn’t it.