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23rd Apr 2018

Holly Willoughby uses ‘psychic banana’ to correctly predict gender of royal baby

The banana knew before Kate Middleton, who the baby was actually coming out of

Kyle Picknell

Yeah. I mean… yeah.

We have, I regret to inform you, reached the absolute peak of British television and that peak is this: Holly Willoughby today chopped up a ‘psychic banana’, which then informed her, somehow, somehow even though it was a banana, that the then unborn royal baby would be a boy.

Essentially, This Morning are trying to convince you that the popular berries – yes it is a berry, read a book for once, GOD – are not only a great source of potassium, but actually clairvoyant.

Rather than, say, I don’t know, just having a 50/50 chance of guessing this correctly. If it had correctly predicted that the child will be called “Tyrone”, or “Gerald”, or “Jean Claude van Baby”, then I would be impressed. But alas, all Holly did, all the banana did, was essentially call a coin toss.

Is that impressive? Should we be impressed by that? Should we now turn the entirety of our government over to the psychic banana and Holly Willoughby, its steely handler, the only woman capable of holding a piece of fruit to up to her ear and still looking reasonably in control of the situation? I now think we should. I genuinely now think we should. A straight 50/50 guess on any important decision is a far better ratio than Theresa May and her wooden cabinet of horrors are currently offering.

Dissolve the monarchy and our government and join me, Philip Schofield, and the twenty people who watched This Morning this morning in welcoming our new royal overlords, our brave leaders, our new heads of state: the psychic banana and Holly Willoughby.

It was right, Phil. Long may their reign continue.