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27th July 2017
05:24pm BST
These kids are supposed to be affluent, yet you're telling me that once they hit the sweat-ridden shores of Ibiza, everything turns to shit? They momentarily forget their mandatory summer school sommelier training and loaded those glasses up with pure ice upon which to rest their wine? Was the ice made from bottled water or did it come out of some grubby tap in a bar? I'm just not buying this entire situation. These little fuckers are richer than Richie, they know the difference between a sauvignon blanc and a pinot grigio.
But you're trying to tell me that they'd drink iced white wine? Would they fuck. Chancey, Hugo, Matilda and the boys are having lashings of Grey Goose for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If they're legitimately putting wine on ice, they are fake posh kids, which in itself is truly the cringest thing I've ever seen in a promotional video for a highly constructed reality television series.
2. A topless guy attempts to tuck a piece of hair behind his ear, BUT IT WAS ALREADY BEHIND HIS EAR
This chump whose name is probably Hercules attempts to seductively tuck a tuft of hair behind his ear as he was presumably chatting to some "hot totty" or whatever the fuck they refer to attractive people as in Ibiza. Regardless, Hercules made a fucking prick of himself because that pesky tuft of hair didn't exist. It was already behind his ear, the bloody bellend. He's licking his lips to add to the seductive nature of these actions, but ultimately, the chap just looks insufferably cringe.
That piece of hair wasn't bothering him in any way. He tucked it back with such intent, it seemed as though that particular strand of hair was niggling away at him for weeks, months, possibly even years. Finally, he managed to summon enough courage to reach up and put it away, but golly gosh, it appears that there's nothing fucking there. From this angle, that side of his hair doesn't even appear to have the necessary length to require any tucking whatsoever. I hope he reads this and takes the necessary time to reevaluate his life. You don't need to do this Hercules, you don't.
3. One girl didn't get the memo that they were making sexy faces in this scene
First girl from the right (I know this is a grainy image, but you have to trust me on this one), she did not get the sexy memo. Second from the right is serving a lot of eye-related looks. It seems like she is conveying some kind of sexy servings to whoever is in her eye line, perhaps it's that dickhead with an imaginary tuft of hair. Meanwhile, the girl in the red swimsuit is nailing whatever this particular brief was. Her eyebrows are slightly raised, her back is arched, her mouth is ajar. She's doing it. Whatever it is, she is doing it.
But allow your eyes to drift back to the right hand side of the screen for a moment. The girl has completely fucked it. One of her eyes is closed, but not in a flirty winky way, in a genuine mismatched blinking eyelid way. She's doing a closed-mouth smile, which doesn't particularly flatter everyone, and her head is just kind of awkwardly angled not in the same direction as the other two. It's as if they were all given the same brief, but she just chose to ignore it. The director went with this shot in the end because it's actually the one she looks least awful in.
4. This girl goes a bit too heavy on a seductive lip bite and ends up looking like a balloon animal
This lady, whose name I am guessing is probably Fluffy, is seen conversing with a boy in the promo video. It's exciting, flirty and deeply gripping. She goes in for a seductive lip bite, but ends up being a bit heavy on the biting side of things. What results is a mouth that appears to have suffered some trauma in the past, but is now well into the healing stage and expected to make a full recovery in the next 6-8 weeks. She's gone too far, it's an innocent mistake, but unfortunately, it's ended up in the promo video.
I don't know who she is or what her situation is in relation to the man child that she is speaking with, but I know that her lip biting efforts are cringe. These kids are supposed to be rich, yet they haven't been sent away to flirting school, as is mandatory for all posh people so that their chances of marrying a royal are increased tenfold. Fluffy looks stupid, there is no way that the boy she's speaking to is going to put his penis inside her with a bizarre looking mouth like that. Ibiza or not, that shit doesn't fly among the affluent.
5. Hercules, or whatever the fuck his name is, gets a drink thrown in his face
This dickhead from earlier who was trying to put a non-existent tuft of hair behind his ear finally got his comeuppance. A girl, for some reason that I do not care about, threw a glass of what appeared to be orange juice at Hercules' face. The trajectory was flawless, which spurred me to believe that the beverage thrower was no stranger to throwing beverages, perhaps at this particular individual on more than one occasion. She made him look cringer than cringe and I welcomed it. How's your hair now, buddy?
Everything about this scene was perfect... the aim, the execution, the finesse. Hercules looks like a right dickhead. I'd almost consider watching Made In Chelsea: Ibiza for that scene alone, but they've probably buried it deep into the series, meaning I'd have to watch everything else that goes on beforehand and I just can't summon up the correct amount of fucks to give about any of it. Hercules then walks away dripping in juice, and in the ultimate act of cringe, wipes it out of his face but avoids the glitter so it doesn't smudge.
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