Stock images are one of the few sources of legal entertainment left in this godforsaken world.
This job has introduced me to a world full of stock image subscriptions that I didn’t even know existed. Searching something as mundane as ‘identity theft’ results in nearly 5,000 images that range from vaguely appropriate to utterly ridiculous. Look at the floating pair of glasses in the second image, WHAT IN THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN CONVEY?
One of my favourite games to play with stock images is finding the ones where people are texting, then imagining what kind of saucy texts they’re sending.
With that in mind, here’s the truth behind what these seemingly innocent stock image models have been texting.
Anthea isn’t as wholesome as her blouse suggests
When Rachel goes to town, she really goes to town
Mike’s an open book, the boys know his every move
Louise is taking to motherhood like a millennial to lattes
Derek has needs, just like everyone else
Jennifer is a sick fuck
Nigel’s an absolute banter merchant, always has been
Lucy wants a fairytale lifestyle and won’t settle for anything less
Lauren’s unlucky in love…. again!
Bethany has a horn… for business
Neil’s anatomical exploits are too impressive to keep to himself
Bill’s a massive nonce
