Series 13, episode 1
Celebrity MasterChef returned last night and those celebrities, let me tell you, they are far from MasterChefs.
Keith Allen, Michelle Ackerley, Martin Bayfield, Josh Cuthbert and Carol Decker took to the kitchen and prove their worth as the rarity that is Celebrities That Have The Ability To Cook.
It was a gripping episode, one that thoroughly captivated the entire nation now that there’s nothing else worth watching since Love Island finished up.
Here’s 11 hilarious moments worth revisiting.
1. Martin Bayfield barely made it through the door
6′ 10″! The man is 6′ 10″! That’s two Bruno Mars’ or nine Warwick Davis’! Had he failed to fit through the Celebrity MasterChef doors, they probably would’ve made him cook out in the studio carpark on a gas stove that one of the crew had left in the boot of their car from a recent camping trip. He still would’ve triumphed because Martin is a competitive man, as well as a tall one.
2. Martin looked like Gregg’s disappointed Dad every time they spoke
6′ 10″! He’s 6′ 10″! Martin Bayfield, as we have learned, is 6′ 10″! Gregg Wallace is, at a glance, less than 6′ 10″, meaning his interactions with Martin were reminiscent of a Dad telling off his prematurely bald son for leaving the milk out of the fridge for too long again. “It’s 20 degrees outside, the milk simply won’t keep in this heat, Gregg. How many times do I have to tell you? Pour the milk, then put it straight back in the fridge you stupid little bollox. Are you as thick as you look? Idiot”.
3. Josh from Union J wanted to make something to impress his fiancé, so it’s very likely that he is single now
Josh, mate. What was the brief here? Was it to make something that looks like the inside of the compost bin after a barbecue? One of your aunts tried to trick her daughter into eating a prawn by wrapping it in soggy cabbage. The little girl noticed the prawn before she took a bite and smacked it clean out of her Mum’s hand onto the ground. Grandad picked it up before the dog could get at it (seafood gives him explosive diarrhoea) and chucked it into the compost bin, crisis averted. Then Josh went on Celebrity MasterChef and recreated the little parcel of deceit to goad her.
4. Michelle Ackerley reinvented the physical properties of rice
The television presenter and journalist’s talents don’t just stop there. She’s now turned her efforts towards the culinary world and managed to reinvent the physical properties of rice. Through what can only be described as outright wizardry, Michelle made her dish’s accompanying portion of rice into one giant mound that John then picked up in its entirety with a fork, garnish intact. Get this woman on some kind of science show because she’s wasted in that pristine kitchen where they do little more than mock her staggering inventions.
5. Carol Decker somehow managed to make a spatula look aggressive
During the real-life kitchen portion of the task, Carol Decker aggressively wielded a spatula when Josh asked if she was ready to get cooking. Carol took an intimidating stance and waved the spatula as if she was threatening to flip someone’s whole life upside down. It was a troubling time for all involved, particularly the regular kitchen staff who had to stand by silently and allow this woman to live out her destiny as a reality television cookery messiah.
6. Gregg dressed as a snooker player’s assistant, for some reason
Not even sure if snooker players have assistants but nevertheless, that is how I am certain they dress. Gregg had no business walking in there looking like a man that polishes cue balls and replaces chalk cubes down at the local snooker hall recalling tales of the time he almost beat Ronnie O’Sullivan but his back gave way during the last shot. Look at John, he’s got a bomber jacket on. The variation in these mens’ attire is throwing mercury right back into retrograde.
7. Josh from Union J said the competition made playing Wembley feel “like a walk in the park”
Hard to compare performing (as part of a four piece) in front of 90,000 people to cooking a few things on the telly for two very nice judges, but here we are. Josh has led a sheltered life, finding fame on The X Factor and also being blindingly good looking. Even his ankles look handsome as they gingerly back away from an unidentified spillage strewn across the kitchen floor. Perhaps it is urine, or simply a watery mixture. Either way, the nation’s thoughts are with Josh at this difficult time.
8. Martin’s soup looked like a Rorschach test
So weird, why does Martin’s soup look like my parents’ disappointment in all of my life choices? See how it shows that despite being given a very decent start in life, I continue to make bizarre decisions that ultimately lead to my emotional demise? Haha, so strange. Martin is an impressive chef. It’s mindblowing that he managed to replicate all that into a pukey looking pea soup, but that’s probably why he’s on Celebrity MasterChef 2018, to look deep inside us all and help turn our lives around.
9. Keith Allen appeared to reach an intense moment of clarity while waiting for the judges to deliver their verdict
Caption competition! Caption this image with Keith Allen’s thoughts! Here’s what I’ve got so far:
- When he’s 60, Snoop Dogg will be 420 in dog years
- A fart is just a passing ghost of the food we eat
- What if oxygen is actually slowly poisoning us and it just takes a long time to kill us?
- The main objective of golf is to play the least amount of golf
- No one has ever technically been in an empty room
- Shrek 2 is the greatest cinematic production of all time
10. The Celebrity MasterChef green room has a decorative bowl of oranges as the centrepiece
Of all the delicious food the Celebrity MasterChef team could’ve whipped up for the contestants to nibble on as they await judgement, they are provided a giant bowl filled with a dozen oranges. They’re not even edible in their current form, they’d need a knife (which isn’t provided) to properly get at the sweet nectar hidden inside. Truly, our beloved celebrities are slumming it. The coffee table is made from a pallet of wood, this is absurd. They deserve genuine mahogany, shag carpets and Dick and Dom feeding them grapes on demand.
11. When it was announced that Michelle was going home, Keith absolutely bodied her by saying “Well I’m not surprised”
Keith Allen straight in there with the most cutting remark of Celebrity MasterChef 2018 so far. Michelle put way too much potato on her fish pie, a mistake that Keith later bodied even further by saying that they had to airlift such a large quantity of spuds into the building, which was a brave choice of words coming from a man that cooked a plate of chicken, noodles and olives in a bid to impress judges. The man has no filter and we need to see more of him on reality television shows immediately. It has become clear that we need to get him into the jungle at any cost, Britain.
Images via BBC
