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23rd December 2016
12:28pm GMT
His name is actually Howard in the movie, but since there's no way that a man like this could be called anything other than Arnold Schwarzenegger, we'll call him Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnie for short.
What Arnie does for a living is not entirely clear, but we know it involves mattresses and that Arnie is a big fish in the mattress pond.
He's a success, but success comes at a price. It's late in the day on the night before Christmas Eve and Arnie is supposed to be at his kid's karate class, where his son Jamie is getting a belt.
This is where our story begins.
But what's a guy gotta do? It's two nights before Christmas and THE PEOPLE NEED MATTRESSES.
Her name is Liz, but that's not important.
What were you expecting, man? It's rush hour on Christmas Eve Eve in a major city in America.
"Look, sir. I'm in kind of a hurry. I'm running late for my son's karate class." First up, it's more than his karate class, he's getting a belt.
Second, you were warned about this twice, but still had to fanny about selling fucking mattresses on the day before Christmas Eve.
Third, everyone hates the guy that bombs down the hard shoulder while everyone else sits in traffic.
We hate you, Arnie!
"I didn't make it," Arnie sighs. Yeah, no shit mate.
His creepy neighbour Ted put up a load of Christmas lights all over his house, which is certainly taking a liberty, but don't you think there's a slightly more pressing issue at hand, Arnie?
Then Liz calls him out: "Howard, do you have any idea what time it is?" Apology time, right? "I know. You should have seen the traffic, and on top of that, I got a speeding ticket." ARNIE.
Jamie wants the hottest toy of the year: the TurboMan doll. "Johnny's getting one and so is everybody I know! Whoever doesn't is gonna be a real loser." There's your mission, Arnie. Prevent Jamie from becoming a loser son to a deadbeat dad.
Aww, commercialism is cute, really.
Seriously, fuck the '90s.
Nothing about the conversation you had with your son triggered any of this stuff?
OK, we have been in these situations before, when we make a decision whether to lie about something and hope that we can fix it later. It's not completely fucked-up. What is fucked-up is how Arnie's abominable acting doesn't give the game away immediately.
It's only been on Christmas Eve for the last 12 years, but as Jamie points out, Arnie has never managed to make it to a single one, so it is conceivable that he's simply never heard of it and thus hasn't been able to attend.
It's not like parades are big events that close down roads or get coverage in the local press, anyway.
We learn that TurboMan will be at the parade this year I WONDER IF THAT WILL COME UP IN THE PLOT LATER.
Now obviously this is America, and our American cousins don't share the same passion for queueing as us, but even so, you don't just march right up to the front door when a bunch of other people were there before you, even if you are Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Maybe not fucked-up, but certainly fucking stupid.
Damn. If only there was some way of preventing this. If only there was some way of confirming that the product you are buying is the product you want. Never mind, eh. Chuck Booster in the bin, because it's the '90s and everything is disposable.
By this point someone would have called the cops on him. "Hello? Yes, I'd like to report a giant Austrian maniac running around in the traffic."
Bitch, did you bake them?
This is something of a personal bugbear, but pianos are delicate, man. You'll fuck up the tuning!
"FUCK YOU, KIIIIIDS!"
Fair enough, he's not a pervert (that we're aware of), but you can't really lunge at a kid's face and not face some retribution. Not even in the soft, cuddly '90s.
Of all the '90s quirks that don't translate well into the 21st century, the casual homophobia is definitely one of the bigger ones.
Actually to be fair, they're all low-level criminals and all start on him at once, but there is no doubt that some of these people never walked again.
Really we should be having a pop at the police for believing this.
No. Absolutely not. Arnie didn't drive across 600 miles of desert. He was in a large city in America, the Home of Gasoline. Only a massive dick would run out of petrol in a city. Fucked. Up.
Mate, maybe you have had it up to *here* with TurboMan, but if you weren't such a shitdad and bought one when you were told to, it wouldn't be a problem.
In fairness, this is classic movie shitdad stuff, straight out of the movie shitdad textbook.
Imagine that was the last face you saw before you went into a coma.
Alright, men shouldn't have ponytails, but that's no reason to batter a dude.
What the fuck is this film?
But wait for it. The pièce de résistance of Jingle All The Way is coming next.
...less OK.
Good to get some perspective on life, isn't it? One moment you're having a few brewskis with the reindeer you just punched, and then POW - a ray of light hits your brain. "Fuck," you think. "I'm a shitdad! I've gotta do something about this!"
Please, just let this guy retire.
This is not intrinsically fucked-up, but after all the mayhem he's caused, he really shouldn't get to be the hero. By rights he should be looking at a fairly hefty prison sentence.
IT WILL NOT BE THE KID YOU THINK IT WILL BE.
Arnie's nemesis Myron is not happy about this and pursues Jamie. Arnie has to take action. No time to call the police (who are everywhere, by the way). No, it's TURBOTIME.
If there was ever a time to get the police involved, it's now. Arnie may not have the greatest relationship with the law, given that he continually assaults one of its officers, but really? Is killing a man the only solution to this?
Deadbeat dads, take note. If you want to solve your interpersonal relationships, set up a series of events that puts a loved one in mortal peril and then save them from annihilation. Works every time.
Also, AT NO STAGE DOES JAMIE OR HIS MOTHER REALISE THAT THIS IS ARNIE. How many pumped-up Austrian maniacs can there be in this town? Is this not, as we thought, America? Is this in fact the bodybuilding capital of Austria? What is happening?
Yaaaaay.
So let's just do a quick recap of some of the things that led Arnie to this point.
He neglected his wife and son to sell mattresses. He doesn't apologise. He leaves it two days before Christmas to even ask his son what he wants. He deceives his family. He threatens shop employees. He destroys shop fittings and vehicles. He's mildly racist and homophobic. He lunges at a child. He impersonates a detective. He assaults a man with a phone. He threatens a radio DJ. He breaks into a house and sets it on fire. He punches a reindeer, then gets it drunk. He flies a jet pack through a crowd of people. He tries to make a man fall to his death.
Put. This. Man. In. Prison.
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