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23rd March 2018
10:26am GMT
Rather than savouring this wholesome experience to cherish within his personal memories forever, Mario more or less live streamed the entire thing on Twitter, because as we all know, there's no point in ever doing anything unless you can upload it to your various social media platforms in exchange for meaningless likes.
Unfortunately, John the Baptist wasn't available to baptise Mario as he did Jesus, so Mario made do with some regular priests instead. He's a humble guy and very graciously didn't make a fuss.
Mario's final words before getting baptised were incredibly similar to Jesus' heartfelt pre-baptism speech:
"I'm about to get baptised. It's a beautiful day. This really cool catholic priest is gonna do me the honours. There's a sermon going on right now so I'm gonna join these fine folks and then BAM, take a dip. It's on!"It most certainly was on, as Mario's next video showed him waist-deep in the river with two "really cool" catholic priests, as promised. They were very cool. One of them pronounced Mario's name with the emphasis on the last syllable, which was fun and definitely cool The same priest then asked Mario a number of questions including whether he believed in Jesus Christ, that he was the son of God, etc. Mario answered 'yes' to all and was then dunked backwards into the water, also known as being baptised.
Just like Jesus, Mario gave a celebratory pose to the camera right after his baptism, then made his way to safety.
By default, Mario Lopez is now the Messiah, as he has been baptised in front of a crowd in the River Jordan. Not everyone will be happy about this news, but that's just how these things work.
Personally, I welcome our new overlord and look forward to his endeavours in his new role as our Lord and Saviour.
https://twitter.com/MarioLopezExtra/status/976909892463325189
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