*Nelly Furtado voice* Why do all good things come to an end?
It’s over, it’s all done, shut up talking about it FFS we are in the clear.
The past seven weeks have been majestic. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried and we’ve repeatedly questioned why we’re not doing anything else between the bewitching hours of 9-10pm every night.
Now that it’s finished, we need to take stock before we move on with our lives. What have we learned? What can we use going forward to better ourselves?
Here are 8 important nuggets of wisdom that Love Island has provided us with, for which we are eternally grateful.
1. It doesn’t take much to get a catchphrase going anymore
We’ve a lot to thank these islanders for, but nothing more important than their introduction of several essential phrases into the Love Island villa, and subsequently our lives. Barely a week in, they were offering us up key phrases such as ‘putting all my eggs in one basket’, ‘100% my type on paper’, ‘grafting’, ‘muggy’, ‘pied’, ‘cracking on’, ‘salty’, ‘bantering’, ‘sticking it on’ and heaps more. What kind of bullshit terms were we using before Love Island came along? Probably just ‘banter’ and ‘lads lads lads’.
The point I’m making is that if you’ve got a catchphrase you want to revive, all it takes is an appearance on reality television to get it going. Personally, I’ve always been fond of saying ‘Brillo pads’, but have struggled for years to bring it back into the public sphere. With that in mind, I’ve just applied to take part in next year’s Love Island, with the sole intention of getting the phrase ‘Brillo pads’ back into circulation. Seven weeks of me repeatedly saying ‘Brillo pads’ and that should do it. Folks, shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.
2. Statistically, 1 in every 10 people was in Blazin’ Squad
Cast your minds back to day one. Five boys and five girls entered that villa unsure of what lay ahead. We watched in anticipation as each contestant was introduced one by one, giving us a brief history of their exciting lives. Then, out of fucking nowhere, our Love Island 2017 experience changed forever. ONE OF THE CONTESTANTS REVEALED THAT HE WAS IN NOTORIOUS HIP HOP GROUP BLAZIN’ SQUAD. I was gobsmacked, not because there was a new celebrity in town, but because statistically, things finally began to make sense.
Marcel / Rocky B was one of ten people brought into that villa. As we all know, Blazin’ Squad had approximately 7,000 band members. I’d always wondered but was never certain, had I ever bumped into a singular Blazin’ Squad? Possibly. Well we can all rest easy tonight, now that confirmation has arrived. There were 10 initial inhabitants of the Love Island, one of whom was in Blazin’ Squad. Ergo, one in every ten people is part of Blazin’ Squad. Look around you, can you count ten people? Are any of them in Blazin’ Squad? If not, perhaps it is you :O
3. Sunburn doesn’t really seem to be an issue anymore, so well done to all involved!
Folks, we have done it. We, as a species, have banded together to combat and subsequently beat the harmful rays of the sun. Together, we have eradicated sunburn. Suncream manufacturers are suitably livid, blaming this advancement in the human race on a combination of Brexit, Donald Trump and the increasing price of Freddos. They’re also blaming “those pesky Love Islanders” for bringing this matter to the forefront of society, simply by wearing factor 50 for the past two months.
The proof is clear for all to see. Not one of those islanders got roasted by the sun in seven weeks. They’re all British, they are not used to being exposed to the sun for a period longer than twenty minutes every week or two. But somehow, they all escaped being horrendously sunburnt at any point during the show. Even Craig, who arrived on the island looking a little pink managed to clean his act up once he hit the villa. Miracles are real, and they are happening on Love Island.
4. Apparently it’s fine and normal to use hashtags in text messages now
The year is 2017 and it’s vital to remember that from the moment we are born, we are always learning. Previously, I was convinced that hashtags were reserved for social media sites, whereby you could expand your search results on a particular matter simply by clicking on them. But Love Island has come along to shit all over your preconceived notions this year. Love Island is here to shatter the glass ceiling put in place by all those that have foolishly gone before it.
Every single text message that these islanders received during the course of the show contained a minimum of two hashtags. That’s two essentially redundant pieces of writing per texted message. It made little to no sense. Why did they add them in? Was it a means of shoehorning in a terrible selection of puns that shouldn’t have made it past a production meeting? Probably, but nobody else seemed in any way perturbed by this, so it’s probably an entirely fine thing to do now. As you were.
5. Tongue brushing is still alive and well in the year of our Lord 2017
Throughout the course of this year’s Love Island, one action by the islanders has been repeated over and over again, like chickens going to be slaughtered. It typically happens during the morning montage of every show, where the contestants head into the bathroom and ready themselves for the day’s adventures that lie ahead. You need to be an eagle-eyed viewer to spot it, but it was there. Every damn day it was there.
What I’m talking about is the rigorous tongue brushing that takes place in every Love Islander’s mouth each morning. As a regular tongue brusher, my technique is quite reserved and doesn’t consume a huge amount of energy, but Love Island has taught me that I shouldn’t shy away from this practice. None of us should. Brush your tongue proudly, stick it right out for all to see. Heck, plant yourself in front of a mirror to ensure that you’re reaching every single pore on your grubby little tongue. Keep it up, champ.
6. Postcards are still a thing, in case you were wondering
The biggest scandal to rock the Love Island was when a postcard arrived at the villa, which exposed the antics that had been going on between the old boys and new girls in Casa Amor. Everyone was shocked, mostly because postcards are supposedly a thing that still get sent around? Also because Spanish postcards appear to be A4 sized, decorated with pervy photography of loved ones. In the UK, postcards generally consist of a seaside photograph and a few lines from your auntie about how they bumped into their neighbours on a boat in Corfu – what are the chances?!
I honestly thought that the era of postcards and any unnecessary physical mail correspondence was over. Why go through the rigorous task of posting something when you can just upload 25 smug Instagram stories to make everyone jealous? Of late, postcards seemed like a redundant means of communication, but Love Island has taught us that postcards are still on trend and an excellent tool to meddle in the very early stages of peoples’ relationships. Go forth with this knowledge and flourish!
7. You can leave your front door open for 7 weeks and somehow not get burgled
It’s finally happened, society has regressed to the olden days when your front door doesn’t need to be closed anymore, let alone locked. Crime is at an all time low, it is at zero. There is zero crime in the world, we have finally eradicated it. Policemen are retiring early because there is simply no crime for them to tackle anymore. Criminals have no time for mischief, as they are all watching Love Island, which ironically is responsible for ending all crime.
Every single shot we were shown of that majestic Love Island front door during the past seven weeks has inspired confidence in a reformed society. Were the islanders burgled? Were they fuck, this is 2017 and all crime has been eradicated. Try it yourself, leave your front door open for seven weeks and see what happens. It’s guaranteed that the results will surprise you.
8. Memes are the one thing in this godforsaken world that will truly unite us all
Undoubtedly, the best part about Love Island this year was the impeccable selection of memes that emerged with every episode. Twitter truly came to light every time Chris and Kem did something adorable, or when Amber offered up another one of her exceptional facial expressions. We’re living in a new age for television, where a show can gain popularity through other outlets than the traditional route of simply being compelling viewing. We’ve handed these contestants Instagram sponsorship deals on a plate and I for one don’t regret a damn minute of it.
Memes will change the world, I firmly believe that. We’ve seen it with Brexit and we’re seeing it on a daily basis each time Trump does something stupid. Memes make us all feel a little less alone in the world and provide us with a means of distraction from the weight of everyday life. Memes are love. Memes are life. Memes are the entire world joining together to make fun of everything that is good and pure. Memes <3.
All images via ITV
