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11th September 2017
02:16pm BST
This revolutionary product will revolutionise the way you live your sad and pathetic little life. The antioxidant compounds you'll receive from the Apple Apple are unattainable elsewhere. Prices start at £299 and it comes in red, green and yellow.
These are the most exquisite anti-inflammatories you'll ever ingest into your body. Users are encouraged to disregard the medical advice issued with them and consume as many as they feel are essential to the Apple way of life. As of yet, it's believed that iBuprofen will only come in white.
These pantaloons are Steve Jobs' parting gift to the world. He wore the exact prototype shown above during his last ever Apple conference in 2011. They've enlisted the most sophisticated engineers to structure a fully functioning pant. They're expected to come in washed denim and space grey.
A product that is firmly expected to grow on Apple fans, the iVy is the first outdoor homeware range we've seen from the organisation thus far. Lightning speed processors and high fibre optics promise to give customers the most intense evergreen experience. Prices start at £599 per leaf.
The show may have finished in 2012, but that doesn't mean that the learning has to stop. The nation's favourite teen and her dorky friends is now available to take home with fully automated Apple installations. Hang out with the gang, make fun of Gibby and ask Carly all the questions you want about her older brothers with the iCarly.
This next product from the Apple human range boasts fully responsive eye movement and a voice-activated interaction system. Christina has appeared in the hit TV show 'Friends', so you can begin your budding friendship right there. Users require high speed broadband and 72 other Apple products to access the full range of Christina Apple-Gate products.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's daughter can be your daughter for the competitive price of £1099 per month over a period of seventeen years. She's cute, funny and incredibly worldly, and she's yours from midnight on October 29th. Optional add-ons include her brother Moses and Coldplay's first album 'Parachutes' at no extra cost. Treat yourself with the Apple Martin today.
Certainly the most exciting of Apple's newest products, the iHateMyself might look like a regular mirror, but it's actually the most technologically advanced mirror that the world has ever seen. Apple engineers have been developing this product for 92 years and it definitely shows. You've seen yourself before, but have you ever truly SEEN yourself? Look beyond your ugly face and even uglier soul with the new iHateMyself from Apple.
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