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31st October 2018
06:40pm GMT
Favourite Among: Lads that cannot consume an alcoholic beverage without documenting it on social media, fake woke celebrities.
Suitable Scenario: Explaining that you were drunk when you accidentally messaged your ex with 'You up? x' at 4am on Boxing Day, demonstrating the extent of your hangover, doing a mediocre Robert De Niro impression.
Avoid When: Trying to convince your boss that you need a day off because you're feeling unwell, rather than admitting you've been drinking for 17 hours.
Cold Face
Favourite Among: People that wear a blanket, hat and scarf around the office to demonstrate that they feel the cold more than everyone else.
Suitable Scenario: Trying to prevent a frosty reply in the group chat from going nuclear, convincing a parent to turn on the heating, informing the emergency services that you have accidentally locked yourself inside the freezer at work.
Avoid When: Telling Antarctic Explorer Captain Oates that you're not thrilled about winter's swift approach.
Grey Haired Man
Favourite Among: People who can't remember the names of actors and talk consistently through movies trying to ascertain where they've seen them before, teens that love Pepe memes.
Suitable Scenario: Your mate has kissed someone that's three years older than them on a night out so is in desperate need of a good bodying, when you find your first grey pube, trying to recommend Ted Danson's performance in The Good Place to a friend.
Avoid When: Wishing your sibling a happy 30th birthday as they will probably be feeling quite introspective at the time so you don't want to push them over the edge.
Superhero
Favourite Among: People that say things like 'Go me' on Instagram and run marathons for Facebook likes, Mums that still use an iPhone 4S.
Suitable Scenario: You've just surprised your mate with a last minute ticket to a gig, you agree to clock out for your colleague who forgot, you allow a sibling to pretend they also chipped in for your parents' anniversary gift and sign their name on the card as well as yours.
Avoid When: You are Clark Kent and someone starts asking a few questions regarding your whereabouts on the night Lex Luthor was caught.
Leg
Favourite Among: People that use tanning beds, amputees, self-professed LEGends, robots.
Suitable Scenario: Your mannequin collection is lacking an appendage so you contact the wholesaler with regards to stock levels, the doctor you have an appointment with via text message asks where it hurts, someone asks what was the biggest issue with Angelina Jolie's 2012 Oscars look.
Avoid When: The vet is informing you of your pet horse's prognosis and he (the horse) is looking over your shoulder as you reply.
Goggles
Favourite Among: Wimp scientists, Dads that make crap jokes, swimmers that have misunderstood the specifics of their mandatory kit.
Suitable Scenario: When your friend tells you that they want to die but it autocorrects to DIY, a family member is making an absolute racket upstairs so you want to suggest that they need protective eyewear due to the immeasurable sound they're making, someone sends a picture of their absolute eyesore of an outfit.
Avoid When: Your boss comes into work wearing an unexplained eyepatch and it's not Halloween.
Cream Cheese Bagel
Favourite Among: People that aren't lactose intolerant, blind people that like donuts, New Yorkers.
Suitable Scenario: Someone requires an explanation of what they sell in the Bagel Factory, your Mum is writing a poem and needs something that rhymes with 'fable', a cow asks where its milk goes and you're trying to explain the wide range of dairy produce that's available today.
Avoid When: Noted bagel hater Jason Statham is asking for a food recommendation which consists of something that looks and tastes like a savoury donut.
Salt
Favourite Among: Sassy girls who somehow have 11k followers on Twitter despite only ever tweeting things like "Ugh Monday again", people on Facebook that are only now discovering Salt Bae, lonely pepper fans.
Suitable Scenario: Someone is trying to remember the name of the 2010 action thriller starring Angelina Jolie as a suspected Russian spy, your science teacher wants to know what NaCl is the chemical symbol for, someone is being a massive twat in the group chat by insulting everyone.
Avoid When: Texting someone with high blood pressure, speaking with vampires, chatting about bacon because that's salty enough and generally doesn't require any added seasoning.
Lotion Bottle
Favourite Among: People that use Snapchat filters in their profile pictures for other platforms, lads that say 'lids' as a unit of currency, elderly iOS users, people with very absorbent skin.
Suitable Scenario: Your mate is being dry and refusing to head out for the third night in a row, your other mate is being slippery about their whereabouts, someone hasn't replied in the group chat for a long time and you would like to insinuate that they are therefore masturbating furiously somewhere.
Avoid When: Messaging snakes or someone that has already applied lotion because there is nothing on this godforsaken earth worst than having too much lotion on.
Toilet Roll
Favourite Among: Incredibly basic people who send long and unnecessarily heartfelt birthday messages every year despite never contacting you in between, playful vandalism enthusiasts.
Suitable Scenario: You're on the toilet and don't fancy braving the cardboard toilet roll insert challenge, your friend who is an Egyptian mummy asks what they should wear tonight, Eminem messages you asking for a sick rhyme for 'benign mole', suggesting that your mate in the group chat is full of shit.
Avoid When: Messaging your new puppy who's lucking for fun things to do around the house while you're at work.
Abacus
Favourite Among: Fans of Swedish pop groups using swear words (ABBA-cuss), inhabitants of Babylon 5,000 years ago, accountants.
Suitable Scenario: Your idiot friend has miscalculated the price of your holiday per person, the calculator on your phone is broken, someone asks how many times you've snogged someone you're not supposed to and you need to avoid the answer because nobody is going to come out of this situation looking good and humour is always the best escape route.
Avoid When: A dating app match tells you they're an accountant and you can't think of anything else to say. They will figure out you are dim.
Soap
Favourite Among: Mischievous babies in bathtubs, vegans, people with the surname 'McClean', Barry Scott.
Suitable Scenario: Someone asks what you're watching on telly and you can't be arsed typing 'Corrie', a friend asks your plans for the night and you can't be arsed typing 'washing my mouth out with soap because I said three cuss words earlier today' and also as a clever way to slut shame your mate who slept with a known lothario.
Avoid When: A colleague asks what comes after Do-Re-Mi because not everyone is familiar with the popular soap brand 'Fa' and then you'll have to explain the admittedly very clever joke.
