USA SOCCER GUY: English EPL League weekend soccer roundup

The English EPL League returned this week after international spring break, with a whole bunch of soccer games played up and down the United Kingdom of Britain.

First up was the Manchester Unity who took a road trip to face EPL Freshmen, Whatford. After Memphis the Pie kicked the Soccer Satans into the lead in the first quarter, it looked like they were gonna kick the Bumblemooses' sorry asses real good. A late deathstrike conversion tied things up at ones late on, only for the Unity's Schweinsneijderlin to go score another after the overtime verdict tablet had been erected. Some place else in London, Chelsea Franchise Club remembered how to do soccer good and thrashed Northwich 1-0. It was the EPL World Champions first win in a real long time. Evertown totally owned Asstown Villa with Lou Kaku inserting two goalshots for the Soccer Candies who enjoyed a victory so sweet that they all had to go brush their teeth real good. Up at Sir James' Park, New Castle got their ass handed to them by Liechester City as the away franchise won 3-0 on the road to put themselves top of the EPL League. Stoked City also claimed the victory points after taking the South Coast Saints to church. A goalshot from Bo Jangles was the only time the soccer ball was inserted into the SGI in the entire game. The Seaswans earned a 2-2 draw with the Bourne Mouth Berries after Jon Joe Selfie's deathstrike knotted it up. Carl Zola also had the chance to do the same for the Soccer Cannons as they trailed 2-1 to the Wes Brown's Albinos at the Hall of Thorns. Unfortunately for London Arsenal fans, his deathstrike was real lame and could not find the ball bag. Liver Pool's trip to play Manchester's Blue uniformed champions produced a scoreline so shocking that everyone was real shocked. After Dirk Kuytinho first stained the scoresheets, the Mercyside franchise ran out 4-1 winners, with even deefense guy Martin Shrtpull kicking home a goalshot. Sunday's only soccer game saw the Westside Hammers head on over to Whitespurs lane, where Tottenham Whitespurs took a humongous step towards reaching their target of a place in the EPL's awesome foursome. Harrikane breezed through the Westsider's deefense to get 2 goalshots as the Soccer Chickens delighted Coach Poncho Tino with a 4-1 victory.