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19th Sep 2016

A very obvious guide to weasling your way onto the most anticipated UFC card of the year

205, bitches!

Ben Kiely

Want a fight on the historic UFC 205 card in New York? Here’s a foolproof* guide that should guarantee** you the fight of a lifetime.

*Not foolproof.

**Absolutely not a guarantee.

Hail from New York

Before you start complaining, we made a point of putting the word ‘obvious’ in the headline.

Obviously, the likelihood of booking a fight on the UFC’s first ever event in New York is boosted significantly if you were born and raised in the Big Apple, or even nearby places such as New Jersey or Pennsylvania. That’s why the likes of Chris Weidman, Rashad Evans, Gian Villante and Katlyn Chookagian all either have fights booked or are heavily linked with the event.

If you were unfortunate enough to be born elsewhere and don’t possess the requisite magical powers to change your birthplace, then just fake it, like Apu Nahasapeemapetilon in that one episode of the Simpsons.

Apu American

Be exciting

Finishers get fights. Laying and praying will get you a one-way ticket to not-on-UFC-205’sville… economy class, the toilet’s broken and you’re sitting next to a screaming baby.

Draw a crowd

Ok, finishers don’t get all the fights. It looks like knockout artist extraordinaire Stephen ‘Wonderboy’ Thompson may be snubbed of a title shot, so if you could also be a very popular fighter that absolutely smashes it in terms of PPV buys, that would be a massive help.

George St-Pierre might be getting the next crack at the 170 lb title. Maybe it’s worth trying to be more like him. No one’s ever tried that before.

Georges St-Pierre return

Be a company man

Good things come to those who fight.

Well, a lot of bad things comes to those who fight as well, such as broken bones and injuries, but generally the more you do your job, the more you’ll be rewarded for doing your job.

Look at the fighters who have already booked fights on the card, Donald Cerrone fights a million times a year and Kelvin Gastelum is a broadcaster for UFC Now. Scratch the promotion’s back, folks.

Keep your personal life in check

Imagine being arguably the greatest fighter to ever grace an Octagon, hailing from New York and being unable to compete on the first ever card in your home state because of things that happened outside the cage.

Boy, that’s gotta suck.

Stay ready

Remember when Rafael dos Anjos was scheduled to defend his belt against Conor McGregor at UFC 196? Of course you don’t, because Nate Diaz stepped up and put on a performance that made everyone forget that the Notorious was even supposed to fight for a belt that night.

Fighters get injured, some of them have huge issues cutting weight while some of them even get popped for Thai sex pills. There are so many different ways for a fight to fall apart and should a fighter pull out of a high-profile fight on the most high-profile card of them all, you better make sure you’re ready to answer that call when it arrives.

UFC 196: McGregor v Diaz

Carpe Diem

Michael Bisping took his title fight on late notice, shocked the world and became the undisputed middleweight champion.

Know your limits though. Anderson was able to cope with Daniel Cormier at light heavyweight on a few days notice because he’s Anderson Silva. If you’re a flyweight and Ben Rothwell needs a new opponent, don’t put your name forward.

If all else fails, turn heel

If there’s no hype, generate it. Throw the toys out of the pram, kick up a fuss and pinch a big, stinky loaf right in front of the UFC big wigs’ noses.

Talking smack and trying to goad big names into accepting a fight should be a last resort though. Make sure you explore all other options before you shit the bed (not literally).

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