Vamonos!
Liverpool are doing it. After a summer of winding up their supporters to the point of exhaustion with their lack of transfer activity, the Reds have agreed a deal for one of the world’s premier central midfielders.
Thiago is joining Jurgen Klopp’s side for £20 million up front, and finally Liverpool fans can tick the box that says ‘Upgraded the Squad’ as they attempt to retain their Premier League title.
But how will things fare once Thiago is announced, once and for all, as a Liverpool player? Look no further…
Football Twitter loves being weird, and there’s nothing weirder in this world than creating a Twitter account dedicated to one footballer and one footballer alone. That’s why, as we speak, thousands of humans are frantically trying to be the first to create @ThiagoEffect, @ThiagoLogic, @Thiagology and, worst of all, @JustThiagoThings.
We’ve all seen and tweeted the training videos – we’re more guilty than most – and as such it’s written in the stars that during Thiago’s first training session with Liverpool, the club’s video department will be there waiting. ‘Go on Thiago, just a few more touches, a few more volleys. Can you do that thing where you inexplicably catch the ball on your chest muscles? Lovely.’ This will then be tweeted out by the official Liverpool account and quoted with things like ‘Your central midfielder could never,’ which to be fair is probably true.
We all remember how Thiago almost joined another Premier League team a few years back. Which team was that again? Oh yeah, Manchester United. And why did they not sign him? Yes! Because David Moyes wasn’t convinced of his quality and decided to sign Marouane Fellaini instead. Well, expect questions about this for the West Ham manager, and expect a sequel to his “Irramendi” classic from his time at Sociedad. He will butcher Thiago’s second name, hang his head in shame, before changing the subject to how keeping Declan Rice would be like a new signing for the Hammers.
When a team signs a new high profile player, rival fans are waiting in the wings around the clock to unleash their built up anger/schadenfreude when the time is right. This is what will happen the moment that Thiago has a below average game for Liverpool. Misplace a few passes? Find himself muscled off the ball by Jake Livermore? Like clockwork, we’ll be seeing comparisons to Bastian Schweinsteiger and praise for Bayern Munich for once again flogging off a past it player to a gullible Premier League side.
Liverpool fans will get in on the act too, mind, at least some of them. Should Thiago start his Anfield career on the slower scale, it won’t be long before the Gini Wijnaldum stans come out of the woodwork. #FreeGini will start trending, as a cadre of Reds fans seek to see the Dutch midfielder liberated from the bench.
Every single time – and I mean every time – Thiago praises his new manager, it’ll be taken out of context as a dig at his former coach Pep. ‘Jurgen is unlike any manager I’ve worked with before,’ will be translated as ‘Pep is a bald fraud’. It will be tiresome, and it will be never ending.
Liverpool will capitalise on the buzz surrounding their new signing by getting Thiago to star in a video where he uses Scouse slang like ‘Boss tha’ and ‘Devvoed’ while staring blankly into space with the cold, dead look that comes only with official club videos.
Liverpool are guaranteed to play Bayern in the Champions League. This isn’t even going to be funny, just absolutely nailed on. He’ll probably play extremely well too, and commentators will discuss how Bayern ‘may regret letting such a prised asset go’ or some shit.
It may take a few appearances, but give it time and loads of really boring and weird comparisons between Thiago and Donny Van de Beek will raise their heads above the precipice. We’ll be told to note how Van De Beek’s pass percentage is higher than Thiago’s, as are his touches in the final third, proving he is the superior player despite the fact that by this point Liverpool will be six points clear of second and United will be sitting in fifth. Even that, however, will be countered by the insistence that since VDB’s xG is so much higher than Thiago’s, it’s only a matter of time before the cream rises to the top.
People (and we really mean a certain type of pundit) will be shocked beyond belief that Thiago, a LaLiga, Bundesliga and Champions League winner, is capable of dealing with the pace of the game in England, just like David Silva, Bernardo Silva, Kevin De Bruyne and Bruno Fernandes before him. Finally, Thiago will be able to count himself as a peer of the likes of Jeff Hendrick and James McCarthy, and isn’t that all anyone wants? Almost as if the Bundesliga and LaLiga aren’t shit leagues made for Premier League castoffs, eh?
Any time Thiago is on international duty with his Spanish colleagues or seen socialising with his former colleagues, Liverpool fans will call him ‘Agent Thiago’ and speculate he’s wooing them to join him at Anfield.
