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07th Jul 2015

The 5 types of Manchester United fan…

You've seen them all before...

Matt Stanger


The Glory Glory Man United supporter is always the easiest to recognise. He’s usually standing two feet from the pub TV in his replica shirt, cheering on his heroes in that try-hard manner that chip-on-shoulder armchair fans are accustomed to.

But GGMU doesn’t care about “bitters”; he’s too busy idolising “Becks”, “Keano” and “Giggsy”, while telling everyone that United are “not arrogant, just better”.

He mentioned Fergie in one of his wedding speeches and Rooney in the other, raising a glass of Singha lager to his fellow Reds – “if it’s good enough to be United’s official beer, it’s good enough for our wedding, Pam”.

If Pam would let him, GGMU would have Man United bed sheets and curtains. Still, Cantona the cat was a fair compromise.

Manchester United v Southampton - Premier League

The Pro-Carrick

Joined the GGMU in belting out “Come on David Moyes, play like Fergie’s boys!” right until the Scot’s six-year contract was cut short by five years.

The pro-Carrick fan has read a few things on the internet, mostly numbers that prove Michael Carrick is the team’s unsung hero and that anti-Carrick supporters simply don’t get it. “Look at his interception stats and tell me he isn’t world class!”

This perusing of the internet has also allowed the pro-Carrick to hastily form polished opinions of new signings thanks to YouTube clips and that Spanish journo who really knows his stuff.

“Why won’t Jose (they’re on first-name terms) sign the Trequartista we’re so clearly lacking?” Not sure mate, why are you still living with your parents?

Liverpool v Manchester United - Premier League

The Anti-Carrick

Never has a football fan hated his fellow supporters so much.

It isn’t really about Carrick for the anti-Carrick anymore. The “gormless Geordie fraud” should never play for United again, of course, but worse than him are the fans who actually think he’s good. “You dumb s**ts are the reason we haven’t won the league for two years.”

Subtlety is not a strong point for the anti-Carrick, nor is he a fan of it on the football pitch.

None of the club’s recent signings have really impressed him, with the likes of Ashley Young epitomising a steady slide into mediocrity. Even Paul Pogba isn’t good enough, lacking the balls for the English league or some other nonsense.

There are only two things the anti-Carrick has ever enjoyed: Roy Keane’s autobiography (he owns five copies) and reading fawning quotes on Paul Scholes. Not that he would admit it.

Roy Keane, Alf Inge Haaland


Stopped supporting United on 12 May, 2005 – the day Malcolm Glazer’s buyout was confirmed. Or so he often tells deaf ears.

The FCUM likes the idea of changing allegiance to FC United, but he’s already sold his soul to the Red Devils thanks to years of being spoilt with success.

While he regularly shows off his green and gold scarf, watching FC United bores the s**te out of him, with even Antonio Valencia’s shanked crosses offering warm familiarity when he returns to the loving bosom of Old Trafford.

2005-onwards United just isn’t the same, and FCUM knows that. But until they’re parading the Premier League trophy in Moston, you’ll still see him walking down the Sir Matt Busby Way every other weekend.

Manchester United v Sunderland - Premier League

The Reasonable Bastard

David Moyes turned out to be a great appointment, didn’t he?

“Haha, yeah, we really messed up there!”

What about City winning more titles than you over the last few years?

“It’s great to have some competition at last!”

Losing to West Brom at home, it doesn’t get much more embarrassing than that…

“Well, we’re not going to win every week!”

You’re going to run away with the title now you have Pogba, Ibrahimovic and Mourinho…

“It’s a really strong league this year. I’ll be happy to be back in the Champions League!”

If you want to know who actually buys half-and-half scarves, this is your man.

Manchester United v Hull City - Premier League

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