As a football fan, many things can stand out in your mind as memorable.
It can be a stunning goal, a brutal tackle, a flailing elbow, or it can be two players utterly taking the piss instead of sticking the ball down the centre of the goal. That, dear reader, is the topic of this very piece.
Let me take you back to the year 2005. A simpler time in football, when the ball was round, transfer fees were less ridiculous and yer da could be yer da without being a subject of derision on the internet.
The date was October 22 and Arsenal were facing a pre-Pep and pre-Sheikh Mansour Manchester City at Higbury Stadium.
We’re into the second half and memories have already been made in the form of Arsenal’s 500th Premier League goal, courtesy of a Robert Pires penalty. Little did anyone know that even greater memories were on the horizon.
For you see, Arsenal were awarded a second penalty. Once again, the handsome Frenchman stepped up to the mark. Once again he took a few steps. Once again he moved his body into a shooting position, but this time there was no shot.
Remember when time stood still for @piresrobert7?!
Ahead of #ARSMCI, the @Arsenal legend relives *that* penalty… pic.twitter.com/mjnewjZC1u
— Premier League (@premierleague) March 1, 2018
No, this time Pires attempted to pass the ball. This time, he attempted to pass the ball to his compatriot and fellow handsome man Thierry Henry, who was standing directly to his left.
But there was no pass. For you see Pires didn’t move the ball forward, instead merely wobbling it on the penalty spot like a type of jelly resembling a football in every conceivable way.
Henry knew this and as such, didn’t even strike the ball, left to stand there looking glum as the ball was promptly cleared by the now rabid Manchester City defence.
Murmurs of discontent emerged from the confused crowd. “What is this?” they may well have thought. But there was anger too, anger at both a wasted opportunity and at making one of football’s simplest acts so very convoluted.
The anger
The greatest – and possibly greatest ever – anger was reserved for one man though: Danny Mills. Then a footballer rather than a man who appears to have forgotten he was one, Mills’ reaction to Pires and Henry’s penalty faux pas may have been the most hauntingly beautiful aspect of this entire debacle.
Mills’ anger was not your run of the mill football pitch annoyance; at a diving player or a lousy challenge. It was seething, red hot rage at the very prospect of someone disrespecting the beautiful English game, the sort of anger usually reserved for audiences at 17th century hangings.
Approaching the visibly disappointed Pires as he walked back to the centre-circle, one found it hard to tell whether Mills was going to punch the Frenchman or continue to tense with such indignation that his skeleton ripped from his muscles to relieve the pressure .
He chose neither, and while his skeleton remained in his body that day, it is safe to say that a more significant part of his body did not.
The part that isn’t always angry, even a little bit, that those two pompous handsome men attempted to fool him, Danny Mills, with a piece of experimental football. The part that is now, unfortunately, stuck under tonnes of luxury housing in North London, never to see the light of day again.
