Please don’t sign Jamie Vardy – an open letter to Arsene Wenger

Dear Mr Wenger,

You don't know me but I know you. I grew up on the internet so I'm pretty sure that whatever I have to say is very important, so listen up while I tell you how to do your job (to anyone reading this, please don't send me any messages telling me that this article was crap or that I should have done something differently, that is just rude). I've been a fan of yours for almost two decades at this stage. You were unveiled as Arsenal manager eight days before my fifth birthday and, I'll be honest, my knowledge of the Japanese league at that time wasn't great. But I never doubted you were the right man for the job (because I was four and assumed all adults knew exactly what they were doing). Whether or not you realise it, I was raised on your football. I mean, technically my parents raised me but I watched Arsenal a lot as a kid so I often think of you as a second father, and I'm perfectly okay with you thinking of me as a son. Please. Anyway, I'm not writing this to ask you to be my dad (but I'm also not not doing that), I'm writing this because of a distressing rumour that turned into a distressing report that turned into a distressing interview with Olivier Giroud in which he confirms that you are trying to buy Jamie Vardy. Look, I'm not trying to deny the fact that Vardy had a great season last year. He broke records and scored some incredible goals as he helped fire Leicester to the Premier League title. Twenty years from now I fully expect to be undermining any amazing season my children witness by reminding them they weren't alive to see Vardy and co win the league. But although Vardy's rise up from non-league football to Premier League champion does have a fairytale quality to it, that doesn't mean he can bring any of that to Arsenal. For starters, Arsenal are a big club, and fairytales don't really happen to the big guys. Sure, in Vardy's story a move to a club like Arsenal can be seen as the final point in his story, where he's "made it". But the thing about those kinds of positive stories is that they usually end there. Life, you might notice, has a habit of going on and that's when it becomes dangerous. Because when a fairytale character finally becomes part of the establishment in the story (and make no mistake, Arsenal are more "The Man" than "The Dude" in English football), then it becomes a cautionary tale of hubris. https://twitter.com/leachwoodmile/status/733313489909862400 I've stuck up for you before, fighting against those who have called time on your distinguished career. I've called your abilities other-worldly, in a roundabout way that involved a deal with Satan himself (and I don't mean Jorge Mendes - am I right, Manchester United fans?). I get why Vardy might be an attractive option for someone in your situation. I know you're under pressure from Arsenal fans despite finishing second for the first time since 2005. But Vardy is not the answer. At 29 he is not going to get any better. After more than a decade of relying on your ability to bring players through, a ready-made fix is certainly tempting. But outside of this one historically good run of form, he's really not done much at the top. Also, he's 30 next year, which I'm surprised hasn't put you off yet already. Or maybe Arsenal's scouts have grown weary of spending half the year on the other side of the world and have just told you that he's 23 so that you'll sign him and they can finally go home to their families. I'm totally on board with your willingness to spend that money you had saved so frugally after the move to the Emirates. Mesut Ozil, Alexis Sanchez and Petr Cech were all marque signings. But £20m (or £29m, according to some reports) for a 29-year-old striker with one proper season in the top flight seems like a lot. Remember when you thought £31m was too much for a 25-year-old Gonzalo Higauin? And he played for Real Madrid for god's sake! Also, does Vardy fit your system? I mean, I know that part of being a manager is adapting your system to the players at your disposal as well as the footballing climate at large and that you've changed your team's formation many times over the course of your career, but can Vardy adapt do your adaptions? And I haven't even brought up the whole racism thing yet because I was trying to keep things relatively lighthearted and unracisty. I had similar reservations about Luis Suarez back in 2014, but hey, he turned out to be a great buy for Barcelona. But more than any of this, I guess the reason I don't want you to sign Jamie Vardy is simple. I don't want you to go. It's fairly obvious that you view Vardy as your Robin van Persie (well, not your Van Persie, but your version of Sir Alex Ferguson's Van Persie). You've got just one year left on your contract and you want to make a big push for one last title before Jose Mourinho gets his act together at Manchester United, Pep Guardiola sorts out Manchester City, Antonio Conte brings Chelsea back to title-winning form, Jurgen Klopp figures out what he needs to do at Liverpool and Mauricio Pochettino's Spurs side come of age. There are so many new battlefronts appearing on the horizon for Arsenal, and I don't blame you for wanting one last hurrah. Heaven knows you've earned it, but I'll be sad to see you go. Any Arsenal fan wondering what things will look like after your retirement need just take a peak at Old Trafford and the mess that has developed since Alex Ferguson left. I honestly can't think of anyone suited to the job of running Arsenal who would take it. I don't want that for Arsenal, and I don't want that for you. Please don't sign Jamie Vardy. Please don't leave us. Your son friend, Kevin, age 24¾